In case you missed yesterday’s inaugural installment of a new nightly feature we’re testing at the Banter, I’m an idiot who’s going to try and recap the one thousand developments festering out of the current administration with stunning regularity. Will I hit everything? Absolutely not. Will I lose my sanity? Absolutely yes.
Let’s do this.
Intrepid Leader Donald Trump Said Word Things About Syria
In light of the recent chemical attacks in Syria “against innocent people, including women, small children and even beautiful little babies” (that Donald Trump and terrified white people don’t want to let into our country), the president made a bold statement on Air Force One using the very best words: “Something should happen.”
Damn! Back up, everybody.
As for what exactly that “something” is, Trump strangely didn’t elaborate because a.) he has no fucking clue, and b.) it’s going to be launching airstrikes under increasingly lenient rules of engagement that will kill more women, small children and even beautiful little babies because Donald Trump and terrified white people won’t let them flee into our country. Are you sensing a theme here?
Neil Gorsuch And The Exploded Filibuster
As expected, Republicans in the Senate used the nuclear option today after the Democrats successfully filibustered Neil Gorsuch’s Supreme Court nomination. And depending on who you read, that might not be such a bad thing even though my simple brain can’t help but think we’re about to spend every six-to-eight years alternating between having a social safety net and living in Gun Jesus Murder Land. To that point, Charles Pierce spells out why Neil Gorsuch is not your friend because he’s entirely in the business of helping corporations let their employees die in horrifying and preventable ways in the pursuit of cash money. But don’t worry, living in a Charles Dickens’ novel will be fun. The one about Christmas had ghosts!
Ivanka Trump Secretly Met With Planned Parenthood
In a move that’s managed to piss off everyone across the political spectrum, Politico reports that Ivanka Trump secretly met with Planned Parenthood sometime after the inauguration, which should really help those conservative conspiracy theories that she’s part of a secret liberal cabal with her husband that‘s taking over the government. Which is what happens when you hire your own children like a tinpot dictator, but that’s not the point right now. The point is, if you are going to run a shadow government under the guise of a Republican administration, don’t get caught anymore reaching across the aisle for facts or common sense solutions that you’re going to ignore, or else Mitch McConnell will lure you into the sewers.
It’s The Racism, Stupid
In the aftermath of the election, there’s been a concerted effort to sell the narrative that Donald Trump won entirely because of “economic anxiety.” Even Bernie Sanders supporters got in on the act because it allowed them to float the idea that a socialist Jew could’ve won over white Rust Belt voters in the general election with his economic policies. (They went with the candidate endorsed by Nazis. Enough said.) Except in the past 24 hours, there have been three prominent longreads in The New Yorker, Fusion, and most surprisingly, The Intercept where the case has been made abundantly clear that economic anxiety was a distant second to white people in every income bracket being super fucking racist. I linked all three pieces, and they’re all worth your time along with the added bonus of making Easter dinner with your relatives a joy and a pleasure. You’re welcome.
Steve Bannon Threatened To Quit The National Security Council [Insert Laughter Here]
In the midst of learning he was about to be booted from the National Security Council — which he had no business being on — Steve Bannon reportedly threatened to pull a “You can’t fire me. I quit!” before realizing, “Oh, wait, I’ll just lie about everything.” Which is unfortunate because could you imagine the look on those stuffed shirts’ faces if Bannon actually quit? Where would they find another old, racist, white guy who likes Donald Trump? In America?!
Christians Are Turning Against Trump
Six months before the election, Donald Trump started pretending he’s pro-life now, which was all he needed to lock down the evangelical vote. Boom. Done deal. And, okay, threatening to ban Muslims probably helped, too. However, some — emphasis on some — evangelicals are starting to realize that maybe a thrice-divorced, KKK-endorsed reality star with a hard-on for committing war crimes might not be a paragon of Christian values and kind of makes everyone who voted for him look like assholes. Which is how an op-ed from a former missionary ended up in the Christian Post with that overall message. Will it make most American evangelicals stop being a lockstep arm of the Republican party and suddenly have the capacity to think for themselves? Hahaha, what? No. I just thought it’d be fun to read. Jesus.
Funny Videos From People Way Better At This Than Me
Samantha Bee tackles Ivanka Trump. (Easy.)
And Seth Meyers goes in on Donald Trump's love affair with Fox News and the fellow sexual harasser who says all of the words that he likes.