As egomaniacs resting their fat, gilded asses on the seat of power are wont to do, Donald Trump waved his big boy pee-pee around last night by launching 50+ Tomahawk missiles into Syria in an effort to teach Syria a lesson about bombing Syrians that Donald Trump specifically and immediately banned from entering the U.S. less than six days into office. Beautiful little babies even. “No child of God should ever suffer such horror,” Trump actually had the tiny apricot balls to say while tabulating his engorged approval rating in his head and wondering how quickly Neil Gorsuch will rubber stamp his Muslim ban on the aforementioned God’s children. And while all of that deserves every kind of attention that isn’t, “Goddamn, shooting missiles is hot!” (Looking at you, Brian Williams. Don’t make eye contact.) it behooves us to remember that this president is still sitting atop a labyrinthian clusterfuck that’s haphazardly engineered on a daily basis to cornhole catastrophic damage into civil rights, the environment, and the very fundamentals of government itself. Not to mention lift whatever minuscule restrictions are barely protecting us from not eating a bullet every time we make a Target run.
Let’s get down in the mud.
Jared Kushner ‘Forgot’ To Mention All The Russians He’s Met On His Security Clearance Forms, NBD
Barely an hour into learning the media can’t trip over itself fast enough to declare Donald Trump “presidential” whenever he reads from a teleprompter, and in this case fires off a bunch of purty rockets, the New York Times reported that Jared Kushner omitted “dozens” of meetings with Russian officials from his security clearance forms. Kushner also conveniently forgot to mention that he met with the banker overseeing Putin’s slush fund, but LOL, you guys, he accidentally set the form in early and was totally going to add all of that stuff later. Which is the bullshit you’re supposed to swallow because these assholes think the American people are idiots. Then again, their kleptocratic gaggle of shit-dips made it into the White House now, so…
In the meantime, here’s an national security attorney on why, legally speaking, Jared Kushner is a fuckbox of dumb:
Steve Bannon And Rinsed Pubes Are On Their Way Out
Now that it’s President Trump: MOTHERFUCKIN’ ROCKET MASTER, why are Steve Bannon and Wrench Peebus still hanging around and leeching off all of this sweet bomb action? Maybe somebody should drop a “You’re fired!” on them, which is exactly what Trump is reportedly considering, according to Axios. And while it’s terrifying that actual Nazi Steve Bannon made it this far into our nation’s government, keep in mind, he’s essentially about to be replaced by a kid who married the president’s daughter and tried to leave out all of the Russians he's met on his national security forms as if someone wouldn’t notice. That’s the level of competency we’re dealing with here. Trump would be better off making a Big Mac his Chief of Staff. “What’s that, secret sauce? China doesn’t think my hair is real? Forty kazillion Tomahawks!”
Never Mind, I Found Their Replacements
Pre-bombs: “We need a special committee on Russia.”
Post-bombs: “DON’T TALK ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND!”
Jeff Sessions Doesn’t Get Why Cops Can’t Be More Brutal To Blacks, That’s Good Policing!
Earlier in the week, Jeff Sessions announced that the Justice Department would review every single police reform from the Obama administration, some of which were drafted after protests spurred DOJ investigations into departments that uncovered all kinds of racist, systemic police abuse. Except, yesterday, we learned that racism was the deciding factor that propelled Trump into the White House, and Jeff Sessions has all the red meat the white throngs can eat. Which is why he spent this morning whining that a federal judge signed off on the consent decree for Baltimore. “There are clear departures from many proven principles of good policing that we fear will result in more crime,” Sessions said in a statement. To be clear, Jeff Sessions idea of good policing is specifically targeting African-American communities in exactly the ways the DOJ found reprehensible. “But hell’s bells, Margaret, if one of them gets killed over a measly parking ticket, why weren’t they cooperating nicely with the kind officers who occasionally discharge their weapons with a slight air of carelessness? Besides, ‘you act like a thug, you get shot like a thug,’ I believe the lily-white jowls of America commented on the Facebook. It’s a wonderful saying.”
Donald Trump Tried To Unmask A Parody Twitter Account
Do you like the first amendment? Well, Donald Trump sure doesn’t because his administration attempted to unmask — Where have I heard that word before… — one of the “ALT” Twitter parody accounts that sprang up after the inauguration. However, the administration backed off this morning after Twitter filed a lawsuit that would not have gone well for Trump. Also, someone presumably told him he’d lose his blue checkmark, which prompted Trump to soberly reflect on something for the first time in his entire life. Had they said Melania? Sure. Presidents have to make sacrifices. But the checkmark? That’s too far. It’s too much.
P.S. Sean Spicer Hates The Press, Too
During a daily briefing at the country club that the President of the United States visits every single weekend to the tune of millions in taxpayer dollars, and uses to bomb foreign countries when he’s not golfing because fuck everything, Sean Spicer decided to get into the dick-waving business by demanding the press turn off their cameras — that were already rolling — because he’s rough and tough, too, you guys. Unfortunately for Spicer, he has no idea how cameras or his job works, and was completely thwarted by CNN who simply moved theirs to the side and left it rolling the whole time. I guess you might say, they sure chewed his gum. (I’ll let myself out.)
The Time Trump Tried To Sell Don Rickles A Condo
RIP, Mr. Warmth.