It’s been a month since Lucifer took office, and I’ve kicked both the NyQuil and the Tylenol PM. Counting sheep never worked, and counting creeps (Michael Flynn, Sean Spicer, Steve Bannon . . . ) only made things worse. Thankfully, I’ve developed a more organic approach to slumber in the final days of the earth. The following methods and principles are provided as a public service to sleepless anti-authoritarians everywhere. If you’ve developed a few of your own, Facebook me. I’ll be up.
1. Our Bodies are Undergoing Some Kind of Radical Immunotherapy
I’m not the first to suggest the analogy to a disease. The body has lymph nodes, white blood cells, and platelets. The country has approval ratings, White House leaks, and federal appeals courts. The purpose of suffering greatly today is to develop a long term resistance to a wide variety of future run-of-the-mill demagogues perhaps a bit less indistinguishable from Mussolini. But immune systems need rest. Get some sleep, bubeleh.
2. We Want to Outlive the Commander-in-Chief
The price of tweeting all night about Ivanka’s designer clothing line is a coronary. Someone once said living well is the best revenge. In this case living, period, will have to do.
3. Reinvent Meditation
Stress levels due to the current zeitgeist are often too formidable for classic yoga practice. The conventional lotus position, for instance, has been rendered all but useless. Instead, try the POTUS position. Sit cross-legged in front of a wall-sized Donald Trump poster and give it the middle finger.
4. Relax—There Will Be Plenty of Wacky Stuff in the Morning
One day it’s the resignation of a National Security Advisor who spent a grand total of 24 days in office, another day it will be a Snapchat of Trump and Putin in a hot tub. Never underestimate the pure entertainment value of what tomorrow may bring. Like Christmas, it will come on its own, and only the truly rested can fully enjoy it.
5. Trump is Afraid of Nuclear War, Too
Like Frank Marino said in the movie “Casino” about mobsters sleeping with each other’s wives, it’s bad for business. It’s hard to enjoy the back nine when there is a mushroom cloud hanging over the 14th green. Not to mention, Trump has a fairly low tolerance for pain, and peeling skin is particularly unpleasant.
6. Time Flies When You’re Out Cold
The countdown has begun. He may have 1,427 days left in office, but it’s probably a lot closer to 427. Either way, why not kill almost half a day, every day, dreaming of another, less insane administration?
7. New Lawsuits Will Be Initiated While You Sleep
The ACLU, Common Cause, and the Sierra Club never sleep, but you have to. There are plenty of insomniac lawyers who will pick up the anti-Trump baton while you relive the first feel you ever copped, from Karen Schleifer, Camp Towanda, PA, summer of ’78.
8. While You Sleep, the New York Times and Washington Post Dig
The next Woodward and Bernstein are out there. Like the Watergate break-in itself, a lot of Deep Throat stuff in “All the President’s Men” takes place in the middle of the night. Catch some shut eye and let the fourth estate do its thing. You are part of a national tag team. You are not the only person in the country—or in the world for that matter—fretting about the insidious erosion of the Bill of Rights. Let someone else cover the swing shift.
9. You Might Think of Some Neat Stuff in Your Sleep
That’s how I came up with this lightweight article.
10. If You Don’t Sleep, You Will End up Looking like Donald Trump
Or worse—Kellyanne Conway.