Transcribed by Rich Herschlag
It’s that time of year again—time to congratulate myself for all I’ve accomplished in the past year and look to improve on in the year ahead. But I wonder—is it really possible to improve upon perfection? After all, I live in a world where everyone wants to be me, and yet only I get to actually be me. Well, the answer is the universe itself is expanding. Therefore, huge can get even huger. So here are my New Year’s Resolutions, all of which will be published in a new bestselling book before you get to the end of the list.
1. I will not ask for God’s forgiveness.
I would if I had ever done anything wrong. But I don’t want to waste God’s time. I know how busy He is forgiving Hillary, the Democrats, Republicans and independents who didn’t vote for me, Chris Matthews, Megyn Kelly, Alec Baldwin, the Washington Post, and that chic suing me for groping her. What I think I will do this year, however, is forgive God. Let’s see—there was the Access Hollywood video, the Trump University settlement, the ten million illegal immigrants voting against me. God has a lot of explaining to do.
2. I will expand my enemies list.
Michael Moore, MSNBC, Elizabeth Warren, the Pope, David Axelrod, Paul Krugman, yada, yada, yada. This year we have to break new ground. There are people in Starbucks and Whole Foods everywhere spreading all sorts of vicious lies about me. I want every one of their names in my phone. Prosecution will be long and painstaking, but that’s okay—I’ve got nothing but time.
3. I will tweet and snipe away the nights.
Who needs sleep when there are more slurs to heap on Rosie O’Donnell? Sleep is overrated anyway. The last time I slept was November 24, 2009, and I had to spend half an hour the next morning fixing my hair.
4. I will let everything get to me.
Denying your own rage causes heart disease. By that measure I will live to about 426.
5. I will study nothing.
Reading things other people have written is for losers. I enjoy reading back my own tweets. Some are so good I read them back hundreds of times. Believe me, they just keep getting better and better. By the hundredth or so time I’ve read one of my own gems I am ready to make love to myself and often do.
6. I will take no briefings.
I like brief briefings. I like them so brief they’re over before they’ve begun.
7. I will grab more p_ssy.
Do you have any idea how big I am now? Google my name. You get more hits than Jesus. So at this point I figure I can practically grab Kate Middleton’s junk and take a bite out of Katy Tur’s . . . wherever.
8. I’m smart.
This isn’t really a resolution. It’s just true. I know things you don’t know. I went to schools they wouldn’t even send you the brochure for. And just recently, I learned the difference between “president” and “precedent.”
9. I will trade up for a hotter trophy wife.
What can I say—it’s a new model year.
10. I will filter nothing.
Morons . . . clowns . . . Mexican drug dealers and rapists . . . If it makes it as far as my brain I figure give it a hashtag and call it a day. My whole presidential campaign was really just a long cocaine-fueled Tourette’s bout. I came up with “Lock her up!” on a 48-hour NoDoz and latte bender.
11. I will not be thankful for anything.
Gratitude is for losers. Is the sun thankful for the planets? Are the galaxies thankful for the heavens? Is Vladimir Putin grateful for that gorgeous chest of his? The only person I have to thank for my success is me. You’re welcome. Drain the swamp.
12. I will make more money.
I have this idea for a golf course. It’ll go where the National Mall is right now, sitting there taking up space, really doing nothing. Fifty-four holes, with a really huge windmill on hole 47 and a free game if you can get the ball in Little Marco’s mouth.