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Wikileaks' Attempts To Derail Clinton's Campaign Have Failed Miserably

But here's your participation trophy. Better luck next time.

Right about now, Julian Assange must be livid. His hopes and dreams of destroying Hillary Clinton and fatally poisoning America with a Trump presidency are turning to ash right before his eyes.

Despite a steady stream of mildly compromising emails, Assange's grand quest to smear Hillary is getting overwhelmed by the fecal tsunami that is Donald Trump's history of sexual assault and general creepiness.

Let's compare what the International Business Times called the "Top 5 Revelations Revelations From The Wikileaks Dump" to stuff we've found about Trump in just the last 72 hours:

1. "Clinton Has Expressed Support For Fracking" I get it: Fracking is not great. It's a rickety bridge to fully switching over to green renewables and the sooner we're over that bridge, the better. But let's not pretend supporting Fracking means Hillary is going to stop pushing wind and solar or sell off Yellowstone Park.

Meanwhile, we found out that Trump slammed a reporter from People magazine up against a wall and shoved his tongue down her throat, telling her, “You know we’re going to have an affair, don’t you?” when his wife's imminent arrival interrupted the assault.

2. "Clinton Said She’s ‘Removed’ From Ordinary Americans And That You Need Two Faces In Politics" She made it clear that being ridiculously rich has insulated her from what the 99% experiences but that she hasn't forgotten what it was like to be a regular person. Would you prefer she lie and pretend she still shops for her own groceries?

As for the "two faces" thing, she explained what that meant and if you think your favorite morally perfect politician has never made a back room deal, I have a bridge to sell you.

Meanwhile, three other women have come forward to describe Trump kissing and groping them going back thirty years. This is a lifetime sickness for Trump.

3. "The Clinton Campaign Was In Touch With The Justice Department Over An Open Records Case" According to the IBT, this was not a part of the criminal investigation so I'm not entirely sure why I should care about it.

Meanwhile, five (so far) different underage beauty queen contestants accused Trump of barging into the dressing room while many of them were naked. Trump also admitted to Howard Stern that he used to do just that because he could "sort of get away with things like that" because he owned the pageant.

4. "Clinton Thinks Qatar And Saudi Arabia Are Funding The Islamic State Group" Also, she doesn't think terrorism is a threat to the United States. The first part is a problem because it calls into question why we're still allies with these countries, but that's hardly a Clinton-specific scandal.

The second part is only scandalous to easily terrified right wingers who thinks terrorists have the ability to literally destroy America. This peek inside Hillary's mind should actually comfort lefties that think Hillary is a warmonger because it means she won't invade the Middle East over a terrorist attack.

Meanwhile, Eric Trump tried to brush off his father's casual bragging about sexual assault as "what happens when alpha personalities are in the same presence". One is forced to wonder how much Eric learned from his father and how many women Eric has helped himself to.

5. "Blink-182’s Tom DeLonge Is Obsessed With Aliens" Well, that's it for the "shocking" revelations about Hillary. Now we're in silly territory.

But while we're giggling about aliens, a video has surfaced of Donald Trump looking at little girl and saying, in all seriousness, "I am going to be dating her in 10 years, can you believe it?"

His ability to sexualize a little girl makes the allegations that Trump raped a 13-year-old much more plausible. Trump is manifestly incapable of perceiving women (and apparently girls) as anything more than sexual objects that exist for his own pleasure. I shudder to think what his daughters have gone through.

If Hillary were running against a normal candidate, these fairly boring "revelations" might have hurt her. Maybe. But against Trump and his unrelenting awfulness? They won't even register as a blip in the polling.

Assange had better hope his buddies, the completely not corrupt or imperialistic Russians, have something far more damaging on Hillary if he's ever going to topple the evil, stinky, no-good American empire.