At 9 p.m. EST, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will attempt to engage in political debate with Donald Trump, a man who once invented a fake name so that he could pretend to be his own publicist on phone calls but then forgot to speak in a different voice when he did it. It’s going to be the biggest political event in history.
To make it through alive, you’ll need to “forcibly deport” [genocide] your brain cells. That’s why we’ve come up with Started From The Top Now We Here, our official Clinton-Trump debate drinking game.
This is no ordinary political drinking game. Usually you make rules to drink in response to clichés and common behavior. But usually a presidential debate is between two politicians. This debate is between someone who co-piloted one of the more successful administrations in the last century and someone sent from a WWE ring to kick out Mexeecans. In this drinking game, we will use the sacred medium of alcohol to determine what cannot otherwise be determined: who won.
Figuring out the winner of tonight's debate will be difficult because the candidates share such different goals. She wants to be elected president more than you’ve ever wanted anything, and he wants to metastasize his publicity at any cost. That’s why this game translates both campaigns to a common denominator: drunkenness. Your drunkenness.
The rules of Started From The Top Now We Here are simple. Assign individuals or teams to each of the candidates, drink whenever something benefits them, and see who’s drunkest by 10:30 Eastern. That’s the candidate who won.
At least two people, but ideally two teams, who have roughly the same tolerance. A supply of 80-proof liquor and beer.
To get drunk in direct proportion to the success of your candidate’s debate performance. The drunker, the closer to victory. Since each candidate has different goals, both candidates can win. You might want a neutral third party to judge. These are the five categories of success:
Clinton drinks for cogent expressions of political leadership. Trump drinks for outrageous moments that resonate with marginalized rednecks.
Speaks of Obama or the present in a positive manner: sip beer
Mentions the 90s: 5 sips beer
Makes effectively humanizing remark or chuckle: 10 sips beer
Answers foreign policy question with impressive command: kill it, fill it
Reacts unflappably to insult: shot + beer sip
Calls out Trump on brazen lie: shot + 5 sips beer
Gets Trump to freak out: shotgun beer
Nuclear zinger: chug liquor for duration of audience reaction
Generalizes a minority group: sip beer
References any other rival besides Clinton: 5 sips beer
Talks about his wall: 10 sips beer
Talks about his penis: Kill it, fill it
Gets visibly angry: Shot + beer sip
Aggresses upon Lester Holt: shot + 5 sips beer
Makes joke about the Clintons’ personal life: shotgun beer
Nuclear zinger against either candidate: chug liquor for duration of audience reaction
At the end of the game, results might differ depending on drinking ability or impromptu decisions to leave the country. And remember: only by purifying the motherland can we return the United States to the full supremacy of its glory. I think we can all drink to that.