Donald Trump talks a lot of shit. He loves to pretend he's a tough guy, that he's the last person you want to mess with because he's a Wall Street warrior whose business acumen has made him wealthier than you'll ever be and whose sheer, overwhelming masculinity has bedded him a long line of hotter women than you'll ever get near. Trump's entire self-made mythology is that of an intimidating scrapper, the master-of-the-universe who makes billion-dollar deals by day and can still kick your ass and satisfy your stolen girlfriend by night, someone whose prowess in the boardroom -- and bedroom -- translates into actual physical dominance of his opponents.
Needless to say, as with everything about Trump, this image is total horseshit. In reality, Trump is a doughy, pampered pussy who'd run screaming from a fight with an angry kindergartner.
But that's not stopping him from keeping up appearances in front of those too stupid to laugh off Trump's pretend-manly bluster. And so, earlier today, there he was, at a campaign stop in Davenport, Iowa,lashing out the way he involuntarily does whenever someone insults him and therefore gets under his paper-thin skin. Only this time, rather than just hurling belittling insults back at the target of his ire, he threatened an honest-to-God throw-down, as if Trump were capable of such a thing. He responded to the criticism being leveled at him from the Democratic National Convention by saying he wanted to literally punch somebody. “I was gonna hit one guy in particular, a very little guy,” Trump boasted. “I was gonna hit this guy so hard, his head would spin, he wouldn’t know what the hell happened.”
You have to assume he was talking about Michael Bloomberg, who not only tore Trump to shreds on Wednesday night during his speech to the DNC but who also packed the added insult of being a shit-load richer and more powerful than him. This of course meant that Trump had to lift his fist in the air, like he was Moe from The Three Stooges promising a "Why I oughta!" to Larry and Curly, and ramble on about how he was gonna deliver a beatdown (if only, I guess, decorum hadn't held him back). The crowd certainly ate it up, but it needs to be said that under no circumstances would Trump throw a punch even at a guy like Bloomberg, who is in fact much shorter than Trump. It wouldn't happen because, again, Donald Trump is a pussy. He's all talk, as he is with everything.
Granted, it would be amazing if he did decide to physically take on Bloomberg because Bloomberg would likely have his bodyguards pound Trump into Cheeto dust. But it's just not gonna happen because this is Trump we're talking about. And, one more time -- Trump is a gigantic pussy.