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If you're wondering what might happen if the Republican Party attempts to strip the nomination from Donald Trump, conspiracy weeble Alex Jones and former Trump adviser Roger Stone have an idea. And it's not what you think.

Stone appeared again on Jones' radio show the other day, and the duo of paranoiacs discussed the possibility that if the convention turns ugly and Trump is ousted as the nominee, they might be forced to perform sexual favors for George Will.

Yes, George Will. For some reason.

Jones began by completely lying about alleged African-American and gay support for Trump.

“If they steal the nomination, it will cause a revolution,” Jones said. “They’re that arrogant, though. Obviously, common sense is, he’s won more votes than any Republican in history, he’s the nominee, he’s the populist, he’s got 25 percent of blacks going for him, Republicans can’t even get 10 percent, he’s got the gays all behind him now, he’s reaching out, we’re finding the real Donald Trump that you and I already knew. It’s total victory.”  

No, Trump doesn't have 25 percent of "blacks" going for him. In fact, Trump's unfavorables with African-American voters is hovering around an unprecedented 94 percent. But in Alex Jones' smooshy brain, six percent can apparently be rounded up to 25. Likewise, "the gays" aren't behind Trump, either. Only 18 percent view Trump favorably in a May poll, which raises the question: Who are those 18 percent? 

That question becomes especially salient when Jones and Stone got a little homophobic about what'll happen if the RNC attempts to hork the nomination from Trump.

Jones said that if Trump is somehow defeated at the convention, we will reach the point where he will be forced to give blowjobs to people like George Will: “At what point do I not get on my knees then and bow down and ask George Will to pull it out? Do I bow to George Will and say no to George Will, ‘I’m not getting on my knees and do a you know what’?”

“See you in Cleveland and get your gag ready,” Stone said.

Regarding that last part, Jones and Stone agreed to participate in a demonstration at the Cleveland convention in which they wear ball-gags -- the headgear used in S&M rituals.

So, basically, George Will is "The Gimp," and Jones and Stone are Butch Coolidge and Marsellus Wallace (respectively) in Pulp Fiction.

One thing's becoming increasingly clear: the Republican convention is going to be one for the history books, especially if delegates attempt a coup and nominate Paul Ryan or Mitt Romney over Trump. Jones is partly right when he says there will be a revolution, and it could involve literal shots fired. Short of that, I suppose George Will will trade up his bow-tie and old-timey baseball yarns for a leather suit and matching zipper-hood.


This is the weirdest goddamn presidential election of my lifetime, and there's still more than four months left to go. Hang on tight.