As we've all observed for the better part of a year, the Donald Trump campaign for president is nothing more than a very popular circus sideshow run by a short-fingered vulgarian with perhaps the most ridiculous hair since the days of foppish wigs and pantaloons.
Trump's burlesque act continues to play well with Americans who don't seem to recognize how hilariously tragic the whole thing has become. Somehow, millions of American voters think this traveling freak show would fit nicely inside the White House, rather than remaining crammed inside its teeny-tiny clown car.
Even while Trump continues to humiliate himself and embarrassing the rest of us, his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski turned himself in to the authorities on Tuesday, based on allegations that he forcefully manhandled a former Breitbart reporter.
Michelle Fields filed a police report with Jupiter, Florida police on March 11 alleging that Lewandowski forcefully grabbed her by the arm, nearly pulling her to the ground, after a campaign press conference.
The incident is being excused by Trump supporters who've been brainwashed into thinking that this is how political campaigns are supposed to behave. Arguably, these same Trump supporters likely believe reality shows are, you know, real. (They're not.) They also think Trump can be president -- perhaps because for the last 30 years or so, the Republicans have demystified the American President as someone who's just like us: violent, rambling, incoherent, ugly as sin and ill-informed. And yet no one on cable news is actively holding the Republicans accountable for de-evolving the process to the point where Trump is a frontrunner.
So, as we peel back more layers of the Trump freak show, we find that Lewandowski's attorney, Kendall Coffey, was once fired after being accused of biting a South Florida stripper named "Tiffany" at a topless nightclub called the "Lipstik Club." We're not making this up.
Kendall Coffey, who was the U.S. attorney in Miami from 1993 to 1996, resigned just one day after being called to Washington to meet with then-U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno, according to the Sun-Sentinel.
After racking up a $900 bill at the Lipstik Club in south Miami-Dade County, Coffey allegedly bit a stripper known only as "Tiffany" during a dispute. He paid the bill with a credit card before being kicked out of the club, according to the Miami Herald. The paper also reported Coffey's father later bought back the credit card slip for $1,200 in an attempt to conceal his alleged involvement.
First of all, what kind of perverted maniac bites a stripper? Secondly, it's common knowledge that you're not supposed to touch strippers with your hands, but that doesn't mean substituting your teeth. Allegedly.
Concurrently, Trump threatened to have Michelle Fields arrested for trying to push him. The GOP frontrunner also continues to deny that anything untoward actually happened even though there's multiple videos proving her allegations.
To date, 7,827,249 voters have cast ballots in support of this orange-faced, helmet-headed, micropenised Twitter troll. What does this tell us? Mainly, it tells us that there are seven million Americans who mistakenly think this is all perfectly acceptable behavior for a presidential candidate. That's seven million highly deluded, derangement-suffering ignoramuses who illustrate the old P.T. Barnum maxim: there's a sucker born every minute.
It used to be that news stories like the Lewandowski fiasco would've -- alone -- ended the Trump campaign. Twelve short years ago, Howard Dean's presidential aspirations were dashed when he merely belched out a peculiar yalping noise. Trump blurts things that are far, far, far worse every other word. His campaign is a legal nightmare and he knows literally nothing about anything. A thousand fail-worthy things have happened to the Trump campaign since June, but somehow he's winning. Let this be the historic marker to illustrate just how far the GOP has descended.