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The National Enquirer alleged on Friday that Republican presidential candidate and slimy U.S. Senator Ted Cruz has had at least five extramarital affairs. 

Yeah. Right.

The gossip rag noted that one of the affairs was with "a wild sex worker." Three of the alleged mistresses were named in the print version of the article, while the hashtag #TheThing, originally launched by Rubio supporters, has become an active repository for details of the affairs.

“Private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had,” claimed a Washington insider.

“The leaked details are an attempt to destroy what’s left of his White House campaign!”

The ENQUIRER reports that Cruz’s claimed mistresses include a foxy political consultant and a high-placed D.C. attorney!

It might very well be true that Ted Cruz cheated on his wife, Heidi, but on the surface it seems highly unlikely, and here's why. 

First of all, the CEO of the paper, David Pecker (real name), is a longtime friend of Donald Trump. According to New York Magazine, in July, 2013, Trump tweeted a recommendation that Pecker should run TIME Magazine instead, a more respectable and prestigious publication.

Secondly, there's just simply no way that a slippery, doughy weirdo like Ted Cruz is running around having a lot of sex. He simply doesn't exude sexuality on any level whatsoever. On first glance, he appears so asexual that it's almost inconceivable that he managed to copulate with his wife to produce his two children, much less a series of women on the side. Now, perhaps there's a chance that more than a few women are really into misshapen middle-aged men with baby teeth and a punch-me face. Who knows? This could be a new thing -- dad bods and neo-McCarthyite paleoconservative worldviews could be the new six-packs and male feminism. If that's the case, then good for him.

Frankly, though, the very thought of Ted Cruz's face is currently helping thousands of sexually active couples to hold back their orgasms. I suppose some gratitude is in order?

And finally, if he actually had a series of affairs, including one with a hooker, it'd make the Life, Marriage and Family section of his campaign website seem, you know, laugh-out-loud hilarious. Especially these bulletpoints:

  • Life, Marriage, and family are the fundamental building blocks of society.
  • Life is a precious gift from God. We must cherish and defend it. Without life, there is no liberty; without life, there is no pursuit of happiness.
  • Marriage is a sacrament between one man and one woman, it has strengthened societies for millennia, and we must uphold the truth of marriage.
  • Extreme leftists — activist judges, the Obama Administration, and academic elites — are trying to extinguish these most fundamental, God-given rights.
  • Ted Cruz will preserve life, marriage, and the family, and he has the record to prove it. If Ted is elected president, he will instruct his Attorney General to investigate Planned Parenthood on day one. And rather than enacting policies that tear down these pillars of our society, he will work to restore a culture of life, marriage, and family.

"Marriage is a sacrament between one man and one woman" and perhaps a prostitute. 

Along those lines, I wonder if we'll eventually hear that he coaxed one of his mistresses to have an abortion. That'd be something, wouldn't it?

But for that to happen, he'd have to be interested in the act of inserting his little smooshy penis into a woman's vagina in the first place, then he'd have to successfully convince said woman that it'd be worth her while to allow him to do it. One thing's for sure, if these women really did sleep with Cruz, they were probably left deeply, deeply unsatisfied.

Either way, here's the upside. There are legions of heretofore self-conscious men who are suddenly encouraged by the thought that if Ted Cruz has managed to have a lot of sex, there's hope for literally everybody.