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A Letter to Gun Obsessed America From a Concerned Australian

"We’ve got it backwards here in Australia. We wouldn’t bring guns to the cinema because there’s not many gun owning maniacs likely to shoot up the place. Besides, we want to see the movie."
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uncle sam

Dear Uncle Sam,

Hello from your less evolved, backward relatives in Australia. We’re not Ozzies you know, it’s Aussies. Not with the “S” sound but a “Z” sound and a softer “O” sound: Not the halting “O” sound you guys make. (And we have nothing to do with Austria).

Please excuse the whinging. It’s been quite boring down here. With no automatic weapons there’s jack to do.

I saw the comments of your National Rifle Association Chief, Wayne La Pierre, about our previous Howard government’s draconian seizure of our personal weapons stores as “Australia’s theft of freedom from its law-abiding citizens”.

Well that’s news to us down under. No-one cares. If anyone’s liberty has been threatened it’s the criminals who find it harder to get semi-automatic weapons.

We haven’t had a serious shooting spree since the Port Arthur massacre of 1996.

Here’s a graph of our massacres in the last year:

Screen Shot 2015-12-18 at 1.14.46 PM

And despite what LaPierre said, we haven’t had many gun toting criminal gangs protesting about their loss of freedom.

That’s why we need the Royal Family. Without them there would be no news at all. Did you hear that our ex-Prime Minister Tony Abbott awarded Prince Philip with a knighthood? Yes: apparently he was aware that he was already a Prince.

This is clearly a symptom of boredom. Too few problems. It’s an interesting comparison that our Prime Minister can do something almost completely insane without even telling his governmental colleagues, whilst your President can’t even implement sensible policies.

You have to understand that we’re long way away from anywhere down here. That’s why another previous Prime Minister John Howard was so obsequious to George Bush. He would’ve followed George W over the edge of the world and been thankful.

Over here, Kim Kardashian’s arse (ass) is a celebrity in its own right.

We’re grateful for any news we can get.

But to be honest I don’t even understand why regular people want to have automatic weapons. Do they really want them?

gun nut


Do they anticipate break and enters conducted by hordes of people – armed militias perhaps? Do your homes have prison style watch houses with guards armed with submachine guns?

If so, I’m sure it’s a trend which will reach our fatal shores eventually.

But it could be a problem. Just imagine if Australian tennis stars got automatic weapons. Hot headed jerks with a good aim. Thousands would die.

And imagine the majors Greg Norman could’ve won. Take that Larry Mize! Not feeling so lucky now, are you punk?

But for now we’ll just have to make do with hoping something bad happens to Angelina Jolie. We never did get over Brad leaving Jennifer.

I think it’s crucial that your Constitution protects the right to purchase an arsenal of military style weapons in order to wreak havoc on an Elementary School. And freely gun down first graders such as happened at Sandy Hook.

Who knows when the urge to commit such a crime may occur?

This I suppose is why you are the home of the free. And the land of the brave. One necessitates the other. But I guess that’s your song the Blood-Speckled Banner or whatever it’s called.

As one of its lesser known verses says:

“No refuge could save the hireling and slave,

From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave.”

And who knows when you might feel like enjoying your Constitutional freedoms by spraying bullets throughout a crowded cinema.

And of course, this means you have to bring your own weapons just in case a freeman gets the urge. Popcorn, soda and an Uzi.

We’ve got it backwards here in Australia. We wouldn’t bring guns to the cinema because there’s not many gun owning maniacs likely to shoot up the place.

Besides, we want to see the movie.

There’s enough wanton murder in these movies - usually hundreds of deaths, most of them senseless. But sadly, we don’t get to live out the fantasy of blowing away our enemies whilst delivering a glib one-liner.

How is my cousin Tony by the way? Say hello to my little friend.

Not much else to report, I’m afraid. I’m going to the beach for a surf. Imagine all the sharks I could shoot if I had an AK-47!

Yours insincerely,