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Stop F*cking Up Good Food With Kale

This hipster obsession with kale has got to stop. Why? Because it is goddamn revolting.
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Okay, enough is enough is enough. Hipster obsession with kale has got to stop.

Let's be honest about kale -- it is a disgusting leafed version of a brussel sprout, an already disgusting vegetable used to punish children when they have been misbehaving. Given its nutritional properties, kale has become the ultimate superfood for fitness fanatics all over the world -- which is forgivable if you are that dedicated to performance -- but how this bastard child of the brussel sprout has become a status symbol for annoying hipsters is completely beyond me.

This week alone I have seen two horrifying examples of what can only be described as food torture. The first was this grotesque abuse of guacamole sent to me by a friend:

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And then there was this truly repulsive mutilation of tortilla chips I witnessed in my local Whole Foods:


To make matters worse, while driving home late at night a few days ago, I saw this bumper sticker on the car in front of me:


No, no, no. Things do NOT go better with kale. And even if you think it does, don't put it on your goddamn bumper sticker.