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No, Sarah Palin, Jesus Did Not Command Everyone To Buy Guns

Don'cha just hate it when people twist the scriptures to fit their own violent ideology?

Perverting the scriptures to fit your own warped worldview is not just for ISIS anymore, kids! Former Alaska Governor and current Putin-fluffer Sarah Palin is promoting her new book of biblical word salad by explaining to her vast Facebook audience of cat ladies and masturbating Oathkeepers how Jesus himself "WOULD FIGHT FOR OUR SECOND AMENDMENT," because apparently his dad ran out of room when he was jotting down his own divine listicle to live by, the Ten Commandments. Don't believe her? Just ask The Lord:

Shoot, even the Lord said to take up arms and defend yourself and protect the innocent! We're expected to take responsibility to defend ourselves and to protect the innocent, certainly not relying on fallible leaders to do it for us.

Don't believe me? Look it up! Luke 22:36. I wrote about it in #sweetfreedom.
Proof, Jesus is a proponent of carrying!

Huge, if true. Here's Luke 22:36:

Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one.

The verse Palin is talking about, as the snarky commie libtards at Wonkette point out, deals with swords, not guns, but they have obviously never read the Gospel of Baz Luhrman's Romeo+Juliet. It was also part of a passage that included other verses, in a book that contained other verses about putting away your sword and whatnot. Jesus was pretty clear about who that last point applies to, "for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword."

But let's keep things focused just on the passage Palin cites, which is a popular one with gun-humpers, but which anyone who actually reads the Bible instead of googling around for a quote to throw into a meme knows does not mean that Jesus was commanding the disciples to tool up. As Wonkette also points out, Jesus tells them, not two verses later, that two swords is enough:

35 And he said unto them, When I sent you without purse, and scrip, and shoes, lacked ye any thing? And they said, Nothing. 36 Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one. 37 For I say unto you, that this that is written must yet be accomplished in me, And he was reckoned among the transgressors: for the things concerning me have an end. 38 And they said, Lord, behold, here are two swords. And he said unto them, It is enough.

There are many accepted interpretations of this passage, and none of them include a command to fill your basement with assault weapons and stacks of banana clips. It's only the gun nuts who interpret it this way. The general consensus is that Jesus was speaking in broad metaphor to prepare the disciples for the changing tide against them.

You could quote all the other times Jesus preached non-violence (including later that day) and rest your case, but in case actual biblical scholars don't sway you, I have my own theory. Throughout the gospels, the disciples were constantly misunderstanding Jesus like the old ladies in those insurance commercials, and Jesus was always telling them "That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works."

I think Jesus was actually mocking the disciples for bringing any swords at all with them. In the middle of the passage, he reminds them that in order for him to fulfill prophecy, to be arrested and killed, he needs to be found in the presence of criminals. He's on record as not necessarily being overjoyed at the prospect of crucifixion, so I think he was doing a wry commentary on his situation, telling his disciples "How am I going to be arrested and murdered if you guys don't give them a reason to arrest me? Man, I really wish you guys would go get some swords so I can be arrested and murdered. Oh good! You already brought two swords! Didn't see those there! Nice work, guys!"

My God is a funny God.

Even if you choose to take this passage at its most literal (while still conveniently accepting that "sword" is the same as "Desert Eagle"), Jesus is clearly limiting gun ownership to two per eleven people  (or 18 guns per 100 people), which means the Bible says we have to confiscate about 1 gun per person in the United States. Lord have mercy.