Photo: Jeff Malet
Rush Limbaugh took to the airwaves on Thursday to tell his dittohead audience that Democrats are waging a war on Christianity. Normally, this wouldn't be news since conservatives have said as much again, and again, and again, and again, and again, but Rushbo's explanation for the motive behind this "war" is too rich not to take a moment to appreciate:
“The very idea that there are guardrails and morality in society, that’s offensive and repulsive because they don’t think that anybody should have the right to deny anybody else a good time. They don’t think somebody should have the right to define what’s moral and what isn’t. What’s right and what isn’t, what’s wrong and what isn’t. They resent all of this. They despise it. They hate it.”
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Rush Limbaugh is accusing others of despising Christianity because it affirms certain standards of morality, like for example, the seven deadly sins. But it turns out, a funny thing happened on the way to the self-righteous forum, namely that Limbaugh has committed every single one of these ignoble trangressions in the eyes of the Christian god. To wit:
On June 26, 2006, Rush Limbaugh was detained in Florida upon returning from the Dominican Republic after authorities found a bottle of Viagra in his possession that wasn't in his name. While taking Viagra isn't necessarily indicative of a lustful mind, Limbaugh told his radio audience afterwards, "I had a great time in the Dominican Republic. Wish I could tell you about it."
While we don't know exactly what Limbaugh did in the Dominican Republic, here's what we do know: A rich foreigner with a bottle of Viagra visited a country where prostitution is legal and sex tourism is rampant, and afterward bragged about having "a great time." Remember what Limbaugh said above about Democrats: "[T]hey don’t think that anybody should have the right to deny anybody else a good time."
And neither does Rush.
You don't have to take Al Franken's word for it that Rush Limbaugh is fat. Here's the man himself in 2013, explaining why it was acceptable for him to call Oprah overweight: "Now, ladies and gentlemen, I, myself, over the course of my life, have also been fat, and I'm under the impression that if you are something, you can say that about somebody else." And how does one get Rush Limbaugh-level fat? Well, usually by being gluttonous.
Limbaugh comes from the Gordon Gecko school of thought on greed. "Greed," Limbaugh said, "has fed more mouths than charity ever could." If this is the case, then Limbaugh is a one-man walking Red Cross, as evidenced by his estimated net worth of $400 million, his $70 million annual salary, and his oceanfront estate in Palm Beach, Florida for which he was offered $65 million. That estate is actually five homes, one of which has 12 bathrooms, 7 bedrooms, and an elevator, presumably to mitigate physical difficulties stemming from item 2.
Limbaugh's job consists of sitting on a chair for three hours and saying what he thinks, and for this he is paid handsomely. When he's not spewing bile over the airwaves, Limbaugh is constantly engaging in leisurely activities such as golfing, being gluttonous, smoking cigars, and going to the Dominican Republic loaded up on little blue pills.
Rush Limbaugh's entire career is built on wrath -- both his own and that of his audience. This rage-based model of commercial success has proved a timeless formula for a whole generation of angry conservative carnival barkers: Mark Levin, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Michael Savage, Glenn Beck, Hugh Hewitt, Laura Schlessinger, and on and on. But like most remakes, none of these knockoffs lives up the original's billing.
Limbaugh has raged against a lot of things: Barack Obama, unions, feminists, (especially if they want HMOs to cover birth control), the idea of a black James Bond, Chris Christie, Hillary Clinton, liberalism, American soldiers who advocated withdrawing from Iraq, and even the Republican Party. Weirdly enough, only one close relative of mine has ever been an avid Limbaugh listener, and he's the only close relative of mine to die of a sudden heart attack.
Envy is "afeelingofdiscontentorcovetousnesswithregardto another's advantages,success,possessions,etc.," and nothing screams "discontent" like continuing to buy a lot of ostentatious stuff. Earlier I mentioned $26 million house, but that's not the only jewel in Limbaugh's covetous crown. He also owns a $56 million private jet and a garage full of $450,000 cars, and his estate features a guestroom that's "an exact replica of the Presidential Suite of the Hotel George V in Paris." In his dining room hangs a "massive chandelier" similar to the one in New York's Plaza Hotel.
In one of Limbaugh's homes hangs a "life-size oil portrait" of himself.
While the theme song for Rush Limbaugh's show is The Pretenders' "My City Was Gone," he should really think about this employing far more fitting musical selection: