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I Don't Like Gay People (Now Will Conservative America Please Give Me Money?)

Standing up for so-called conservative values pays these days. It literally pays in a quantifiable way. If you can get progressives to hate something you say, it can change your life for the better financially. So, with that in mind...
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You knew this was coming. As soon as the mighty hand of the internet came down out of the sky and began pounding a little mom-and-pop pizza joint in Indiana, it was only a matter of time until the inevitable pushback.

A few days ago, Crystal O'Connor, owner of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana, was approached by a local reporter who asked her how she felt about the Indiana's Religious Freedom Restoration Act and whether her establishment would ever cater the approximately zero gay weddings sure to walk through her door at some point. O'Connor's response was honest: She said, "We would have to say no... we are a Christian establishment." A misguided and bigoted stance? Sure. But while it can be argued that a million Crystal O'Connors were, in fact, the problem in Indiana, on the whole Memories Pizza wasn't worth the effort of a targeted campaign of destruction that brought the full wrath of the progressive internet to bear. Given that this is the internet we're talking about, though -- where torch and pitchforks are always at the ready for any perceived slight -- that campaign of destruction is exactly what happened. Memories' Yelp page was overrun with bad reviews and pictures of shirtless men, a domain was bought in the establishment's name that ran equally "gay friendly" images, and O'Connor claims she and her family received death threats. Things got so bad that they eventually had to shut their doors, which means a loss of revenue.

And that, of course, brought America's conservative cavalry riding in to the rescue.

Like Chick-fil-A, Paula Deen and Duck Dynasty before it, Memories Pizza has now become an inadvertent ground zero in this country's seemingly endless culture war between left and right. The pattern is always the same: Someone or something expresses a typically ignorant position or opinion that's embraced by conservatives; liberal social media responds by descending upon that person or thing like the wrath of an angry god; conservatives rally around the target simply because liberals hate it and are trying to take it down; they throw money at it and post pictures with it to show their support and generally overcompensate, ultimately making the original ignorant comment the greatest thing to ever happen to that person or thing. It's happened before so many times -- and it's happening again. Thanks to a crowdfunding campaign, Memories Pizza has so far made almost three-quarters of a million dollars in just a little more than 24 hours. That's undoubtedly more money than that business normally makes in a year. Crystal O'Connor says of the sudden windfall, "God has blessed us for standing up."

And that's the point. "Standing up" for so-called conservative values pays these days. It literally pays in a quantifiable way. If you can get progressives to hate something you say, it can change your life for the better financially. Oh sure, maybe you'll be a pariah on the Coasts, but not only will you they name schools after you in Middle-America and the South, you'll end up sitting on a pile of so much money you'll hardly care what anyone thinks one way or the other.

So, with that in mind, I'm proud to announce that I don't like gay people and am entirely against gay marriage, because the Bible says so, in Jesus's name. Gay marriage is an affront to Christ and I will not use my, ahem, considerable influence to lead America along a path of sin, praise Jesus. I realize that in the past I have appeared to support same-sex marriage and the LGBT community, but that was, like, a brain fart or something. Also, as a newly baptized Christian I know that I am able to turn from my formerly wicked ways, accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and all will be forgiven. I simply cannot cater to the gay community with my often profanity-laced online diatribes anymore, because I am a child of Christ. I do not consider this discrimination; it's simply what I believe and I have a right to believe it as granted by the Founding Fathers of this great land, who now sit at His right hand. Hallelujah.

It should be known that because of this decision of mine, to turn my back to all the gay -- not literally, of course, as that would be dangerous, if you get my drift -- I am already being attacked by liberals and the "Gay Mafia," which has put out a social media "hit" on me. I initially had only my private shopper at Barney's and my admittance to Hamburger Mary's weekly Drag Queen Brunch threatened, but once these sinners knew I was serious, the uprising was loud and -- colorful. I have had my Twitter account hacked, as you can see:

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Also, my livelihood is now being threatened by God-less liberals who have written to my publisher demanding that I be fired immediately and I have received death threats (or at the very least, glitter bomb packages). All this because I have chosen to stand up for the Lord Jesus and lead a Christlike lifestyle. I believe marriage is between one man and one woman. (Well, in my case, several women, but at least they've been one at a time and, besides, God doesn't seem to have a problem with that anymore.) I believe that homosexuality is a sin, like touching the carcass of a rabbit, going to church within 66 days of my daughter's birth, worshipping "metal gods" (no more Slayer for me), burning yeast or honey, having unkempt hair or mixing fabrics in my clothing. I'm also totally cool with bringing back slavery, since the Bible doesn't seem to have a problem with that. This position too will almost certainly make me the target of liberal attacks.

So, fellow Christian conservatives who want to see this country taken back in the name of morality, you're probably asking right now what you can do to help me. Well, someone totally not me has set up a GoFundMe campaign aimed at not only supporting me financially in this time of desperate need but also sticking it good to the homosexual, liberal agenda. All this campaign is asking for is a mere 100-million dollars. That may sound like a lot, but if every man, woman and child (I won't count any of those heathens who believe they're something other than that) in the United States would donate just 30 cents, this goal can easily be met and it would represent a shocking blow to liberals. Nothing is impossible for the Lord my God. Our God.

Let's make this happen and I'll see you on Fox News.

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(This article has been updated to reflect the fact that Memories Pizza's website wasn't "hacked," as had been reported by some outlets.)