Amy Schumer's Haters Can Go F*ck Themselves

An important message for the inexplicable detractors of a great comic.

On a gorgeous Sunday last summer I was running along the Hudson River as I often do to sweat out all the booze I drank the night before. Gliding past throngs of other runners, walkers, and roller bladers -- which is apparently still a thing -- there, walking right past me in the opposite direction, was Amy Schumer. Outwardly I remained calm and kept running, but inwardly I was beside myself. I've always admired her work, meaning she makes me laugh my ass off with her intelligent, raunchy, self-deprecating, and ballsy comedy, which is part of what makes her sexy as fuck.

A minute after passing her, I made the adrenaline-induced decision to bang a 180 and race back in her direction. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I asked myself. "You smell like a scotch distillery. What are you going to say her without coming off as a total creep, you idiot?" I had no idea what I wanted out of the counter. To give her a compliment? To take a photo with her and make everyone on Facebook jealous? To have a torrid makeout session right there in front of horrified tourists and the old Asian dudes fishing along the river?

Before I knew it I was 20 yards behind her, and I was prepared to say the first thing my whisky-addled brain could muster. But then she took a right into a ferry terminal, and it was all over. Approaching a celebrity in open space is questionable enough, but to follow her into an enclosed area was a creeping too far, and not even I'm shameless enough to pull that nonsense.

I recall that day here because according to Hollywood blogger Jeffrey Wells, I'm completely delusional. Discussing the trailer to Judd Apatow's Trainwreck, starring Schumer, Wells writes that "there’s no way she’d be an object of heated romantic interest in the real world." He calls her "chubby," "not conventionally attractive," and said she looks like "a blonde Lou Costello."

Schumer's response to this hater was awesome:


And in typical Schumer fashion, she also skewered popular conceptions of beauty, which apparently involve copious amounts of ass and makeup:



One of the hallmarks of Schumer's work has been her self-deprecatory style -- the very idea of which is absurd in itself because to reiterate, she's sexy as fuck. When Wells criticizes her physique, he's unwittingly reminding us that he's exactly the kind of clueless taint that makes much of Schumer's wonderful comedy possible. He's also showing us that he hasn't figured out what many already have: There's more to being attractive than just physical appearance. Good looks are important, which she certainly has, but so is intelligence, and wit, and sense of humor. And few people have a sicker and smarter -- which is to say better -- sense of humor than she has.

Show me a person who makes me crack up and I'll show you someone I want to get a drink with, especially if it's Amy Schumer.

I just hope I'd be able to return the laughs.

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