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The New 'Ghostbusters' Has An All-Female Cast and You Will Deal With It

But much like the dinosaurs breeding in Jurassic Park, the new 'Ghostbusters' movie, uh, found a way.

The cast of Paul Feig's new Ghostbusters movie was announced Tuesday and I am extremely happy. I know that's not going to be a popular opinion, but I don't care. Put your ear up to the computer while I whisper something into it: I don't give one scintilla of a fuck if you don't want to see the new Ghostbusters movie. Not one tiny, microscopic fuck. I'm not saying the movie is automatically going to be awesome. It might not even be good. But it hasn't even come out yet, so I'm reserving judgement for when I actually see it.

In the meantime, listen to the following sermon and follow the righteous path of shutting the fuck up about the Ghostbusters reboot.

Everyone knows that rumors of a new Ghostbusters movie have been jerking us all around since the '90s. Feelings are mixed, for sure. Do we like the guys in Ghostbusters? Yes! Do we want to see them in a new movie? Yes, but not if it sucks! Well, they kept writing scripts that suck, so they never made the movie. And trying to get Bill Murray on board was like trying to get a cat to volunteer at a soup kitchen. So we waited, and then we gave up.

And then, Paul Feig stepped in and said he was going to make a new Ghostbusters movie with an all-female cast and people freaked out. Some people were happy -- Feig had a huge success working with a female comedy ensemble on Bridesmaids! But then he had the nerve to make other movies after that, like The Heat, which not everyone liked because it wasn't Bridesmaids Revisited. Now, the new Ghostbusters movie is being written by Katie Dippold, who wrote The Heat (for which she won an American Comedy Award for Best Screenplay) and previously worked on Parks and Recreation.

Ghostbusters fans flipped their shit over this. I watched nearly all of my friends become seasoned Hollywood executives and critics in a matter of seconds, even the ones who have no business trying to analyze any form of entertainment whatsoever because they haven't seen a movie made after 2005. And my friends who are qualified to write about entertainment were even worse because they know they're qualified and feel entitled to spouting their meaningless opinions. And don't think that I don't see the irony in me, an entertainment blogger, spouting out my meaningless opinion. This is my post, asshole.

Some of my friends think they should be casting directors and aren't happy because none of their picks made the cut. Some of them think a cast with all women, three of whom are over 40, one a lesbian, one a plus-size woman, and one a black woman, isn't diverse enough. Some of them think the whole movie is ruined just because they don't like Melissa McCarthy. Some of them just don't want this movie to be made and resent everyone involved for even trying.

Let me smack you in the face with a hard truth: Hollywood wants to make money. The easiest way to do that is to capitalize on something with a built-in audience. That is why reboots happen and why they're not going to stop happening. Sometimes they suck so hard we can barely deal with them and all we have to comfort us is the original which, by the way, doesn't get canceled out when it's rebooted. Like Psycho and Spider-Man. But sometimes a reboot takes advantage of new technology and/or fresh talent and it turns out great, like 21 Jump Street or The Fly, which was called a "remake" and not a reboot, but it's the same thing.

What I'm saying is that a new Ghostbusters movie was inevitable, especially considering the wealth of hilarious people who could be entrusted to make such a movie. At least they could, until a new Ghostbusters movie was actually announced. As someone who bleeds ectoplasm and has spent the better part of 15 years trying to figure out the perfect Ghostbusters tattoo, my feelings are unbelievably mixed about this movie. Harold Ramis, as Egon Spengler, was the first man I ever loved. I cried actual tears for three days when he died last year and I thought for sure that no new Ghostbusters movie could happen without him. No way, no how.

But much like the dinosaurs breeding in Jurassic Park, life, uh, found a way.

No stupid petition, no blog post, no letter campaign was going to stop a new Ghostbusters movie. I've accepted this, and I've decided to open my mind and give this director, writer, and cast the benefit of the doubt for now. This is a movie that doesn't even exist yet. Why in the world would I waste my time complaining about it? Complaining is for people in denial about the reality of life's pure chaos and the ineluctable climax of death. I'm not asking people to get on board with me -- I just think everyone should find a better use of their time. And stop shitting on my parade.