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The Real Estate Ad From Hell: A Dark Vision For The Future Filled With A**holes

Welcome to the future of big cities. A future filled with gigantic assholes with lots and lots of money, all of whom want to let you know just how f*cking rich they are. God help us all.
Ihave on switch

(I have an ON switch)

Either I have just seen a great commercial for an amazing product or a terrible commercial for an awful product. Either I have seen the heralding of a new dawn in technology where the science nerds have finally delivered something worthwhile or I have witnessed a stark warning about the future of the once great city of London. These are the two possibilities. Witness the ad from a then company Redrow London:

Possibility one: The trumpets herald an amazing new product.

Witness the newest technological advancement available to human kind. Witness the Sex-borg Mark 1 from genius company Redrow London. From what I can tell from the commercial they have a cyborg that wanders your city confused and fraught waiting for you to summon it then turns up at your house in the middle of the night to give your robo-sex. The model they use in the commercial is obviously set to some odd preference, maybe ‘1990’s whiskey commercial’ setting (which would explain the weird voice over that’s playing out of his onboard speakers but I’m assuming that can be switched off and maybe you can just play the radio through them?) Because at the moment it’s a bit like spike Jonze did a sequel to HER but it’s not called HIM, it’s called CUNT.

They are also using the non-threatening skinny white boy version of the Sex-borg Mark 1 with the ‘squinting cool guy’ facial attachment. Which makes him look a bit like a terrible actor who has practiced that ‘squint acting’ bullshit a million times in his bathroom mirror. Squint. Squint. Laugh. Squint. Laugh. Then his line -  “Sorry, babe. There’s only room for one on this roller coaster called life.” Squint…hold… “Nailed it.” The Sex-borg Mark 1 is only a robot though so you’ll have to forgive him. It’s not like he’s a real human actor using this opportunity to show us all his terrific ‘range’ and ‘chops’.

Admittedly there are some weird bits in the commercial where they seem to show the Sex-borg Mark 1 malfunctioning and just staring into space, looking menacing while wearing a cancer kid’s wig or laughing manically after shaking a human’s hand – but I guess they’re showing us that they still want him to feel like a cyborg? They must because no normal human would act like that. It’s borderline psychotic.

Also it’s a bit of a marketing 101 move but they are showing the Sex-borg Mark 1 being used by a woman, which we all know will only be a tiny fraction of the market. The real dollar for Redrow London will be pink. My Gay brethren will be all over this stubble faced, twink-in-a-suit, wank mitten. They love any kind of hump-tech. Things with handles, blades, apps and gear you can attach to power tools are all jumped on by the early adopting homo-tech-tuals™. Look at Grindr, the Oprah magazine app, or since the new guy replaced Steve Jobs – the whole of Apple.

Based on this Gay market truth I have a small note for the commercial:  At the end of the piece, the Sex-borg Mark 1 enters the sleeping woman’s apartment. The lifeless, shallow, show room apartment. The apartment filled with the trappings of a joyless consumer slave who is desperately trying to seem cultured and interesting with art and design books. The apartment of a woman who wants us to believe she entertains ‘friends’ on a sumptuous rug with booze from tumblers or cooks meals in her state of the art kitchen even though she probably eats out of the microwave and cries a lot while staring at herself reflected in the black, black night of the windows. Instead of entering that apartment, a more accurate finish to the spot would be this. The Sex-borg Mark 1 enters a public toilet where 10 guys stand around it pissing on its face and chest. Then one Asian queen starts wildly pressing buttons on a remote control with one hand and taking gigantic hits from a meth-pipe in the other while screaming out “MAKE IT SUCK ITSELF OFF!”  (Fade to black).

ollie 1

(I own three books and one is mostly pictures)

But hey, Top marks, Redrow London for finally bringing sex into the next millennium with a dead-eyed fuck-bot that has the face of a man and a the body of a 15-year-old girl and because of the annoying nonsense it talks there’s no danger of actually falling in love with it. It’s yours to hump, punch and put cigars out on without the annoying usual legal stuff.  Amazing. I’m going to watch the commercial again and again and buy my very own Sex-borg Mark 1 by placing an order here.

Possibility two: Like a WW2 air raid siren this is a stark warning to the city of London and all that dwell within her.

Be warned: London is fast becoming a nest of pricks.

ollie 2

(Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, many people are poor!)

Banking pricks, advertising pricks, real estate pricks, reality TV pricks, political pricks, art world pricks, restaurant pricks, born rich pricks, royal inbred pricks and, from Russia and the Arab lands, imported pricks. Soon you won’t be able to swing your prick without hitting a prick.

There are about to be so many pricks in London that they’ll have to stack them one on top of each other in specially built prick-boxes. Prick-boxes are shiny little holes where pricks keep their changes of clothes, their array of date-rape cologne, some smooth surfaced furniture to do cocaine off and some mirrors to masturbate in front of.

But ask any advertising prick and they’ll tell you that no prick is gonna buy your shiny little prick-boxes if you call them a prick-box so you have to jazz it up and put it in a language they understand. You have to speak prick to the pricks. Which the property developer pricks at Redrow London understood perfectly when they commissioned a bunch of advertising agency pricks to make the ‘World At Your Feet’ commercial for their new stack of shiny prick-boxes.

That’s the other possibility – that we what we are watching is a commercial aimed at the worst humanity has to offer telling them that all their hard work, late nights and hand shaking will be worth it when you can stand in your prick-box looking down at the serfs beneath you and maybe drop the occasional handful of ball-bearings out, or take a piss on a taxi drivers head. We are watching something they call in the advertising business ‘aspirational’. This ad thinks it is way, way, way, way, way better than it is (for 1 minute and 41 seconds it made me cringe so hard I looked like Steven Hawking taking a ‘I ate too many eggs’ shit) but that’s not the worst thing about it. The worst thing about it is that there are some pricks out there that this speaks to… Who?

Occasionally a woman gives birth to a baby, takes one look at it and knows that the baby is a prick and wants to hand the prick back to the doctor. In the good old days the mother could just cut the umbilical cord, put the tiny prick on the grass and walk way from it and let the wolves do their thang. But these days she has to raise the little prick into a giant prick and then let the giant prick out into the world where it gets a job and earns some money and wants to be where other pricks are and then the prick becomes our problem. BOOM - you’re minding your own business and one of those pricks walks into a room and you immediately know, “That guy is a prick.” You look at him and everything about the prick makes you want to attack his head with the blunt end of a cricket stump and then chip his genitals off with the sharp end so you leave the room so don’t end up doing time for murder. Thankfully, it doesn’t happen often but, thanks to developers like Redrow Homes, if you live in London it’s going to happen at least once a week.

ollie 3

(Go get your cricket stump. I’ll wait.)

Redrow Homes make luxury apartments and right now have five properties (luxury apartment buildings) listed on their website as ‘Current Developments’ with a further seven developments listed as forthcoming. That’s an awful lot of prick-boxes on the market that will require an awful lot of pricks to fill them. And these are just one of hundreds of developers promising the opportunity to look down on the poor from a tower and maybe urinate on them if they so choose.  This combined with massive wage inequality with incomes in London more unequal than in any other region in the UK with 16% of the population in the poorest tenth nationally and 17% in the richest tenth.

And the average home in London worth more than twice the average home in the rest of the UK.

Hello pricks, goodbye diamond geezers. Apparently London is to be filled with a bunch of wax faced suits walking around thinking in monologues written by Ayn Rand on their way home to read a book on graphic design, drink whisky out of crystal goblets and make love to a sleeping pill addicted catalogue model while wearing rubber gloves and using Mr. Muscle surface cleaner as lube.

ollie 4

(Ambien makes the pricks disappear)

It’s hard to imagine a city like London being over taken with millions of these elitist toys but If this gargantuan piece of shit of a commercial represents the hopes of the developers and the governing bodies who are allowing the developers to fill the city with towers of prick-boxes and aspiring to fill them with pricks, it paints a grimly picture for the a city that for years has thrived on being a true melting pot. It also paints and a grim picture for the who the average ‘Londoner’ is to become.

Thanks Redrow Homes - there goes the neighborhood.