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Your Handy Guide to the Most Epic Sarah Palin Speech Ever

We've assembled here a selection of the most incomprehensible moments from the speech to serve as evidence that not only would she be a fantastic candidate in the forthcoming Republican presidential primaries, but that she might also be suffering from either Syphilitic dementia or brain worms.
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During her speech this weekend at Rep. Steve King's (R-IA) Iowa Freedom Summit, Sarah Palin's teleprompter allegedly malfunctioned. Consequently, she delivered possibly the most incoherent, word-salady speech of her political career. However, I wouldn't be shocked to learn that the prompters worked just fine all along and, instead, Palin was simply de-evolving to a proto-hominid subspecies right before our eyes. Seriously, I've sat through quite a few Palin videos and, under normal circumstances, they're usually composed of patriotic Mad Libs combined with what can be generously defined as wholesale gibberish, but this one was off-the-charts weird. Without a prompter, it was as if an entire galaxy of stupid collapsed upon itself, coalescing into an inescapable singularity of gobbledygook out of which not even light can escape.

As a public service, I've assembled here a selection of the most incomprehensible moments from the speech so as to provide evidence that not only would she be a fantastic candidate in the forthcoming Republican presidential primaries, but that she might also be suffering from either Syphilitic dementia or brain worms.

1) Screw the left in Hollywood! The speech began with Palin discussing how much she loves Iowans and Iowa, where she stumped for the "pistol-packin', Harley-ridin' mamma grizzly" Sen. Joni Ernst (R-IA) and, on one occasion, hired the late Chris Kyle, the American Sniper, as a security guard.

It was here that we were introduced to Chris. And you know why this movie is breaking records all across this great nation, it's because America needs a hero again. And Chris Kyle has been that man, and screw the left in Hollywood who can't understand what it is we see in someone like Chris Kyle and all of our vets.

That's right, screw Hollywood for nominating American Sniper for only six Oscars. Why does the Motion Picture Academy hate movies about veterans?

2) Gun Show Irony. Palin continued by describing her book-signing appearance at a "great big gun show" recently.

So, the last couple days, my daughter Bristol and I have been at a great big gun show in Las Vegas, and there at the gun show at the SHOT Show, getting to link up with Taya, with Chris Kyle's wife. And Taya throwing a big party there honoring vets, honoring those who have supported her cause, now that Chris is gone, and Tara [sic] carrying on her husband's legacy.

I suppose we can forgive her for referring to Kyle's widow Taya as "Tara," but the irony of meeting Ms. Kyle at a gun show is thick considering how Chris Kyle was shot and killed at a gun range -- by a another veteran.

3) Fuc_ You, Michael Moore. And now we get to the real reason why Palin brought up her brush with Taya Kyle in Las Vegas: so she could defend her gun show photograph with a veteran carrying a "Fuc_ You, Michael Moore" placard, with the Os in Moore's name drawn like rifle-scope crosshairs. As always, Palin kept it classy.

Weeellll, at this party -- man it always seems like we're always kinda' going rogue or something, something always happens -- we're, we're at the party and I'm with Taya [Kyle, widow of Chris Kyle], we're signing books, and in the back this young, very energetic, very bold young vet, he holds up a sign and it was, uh, bold four-letter message to Michael Moore. [Unintelligible] right now.

UPDATE: The man who created the sign is, in fact, a veteran named Dakota Meyer, who happens to be a Medal of Honor recipient. Fuc_ decorum.

And I'm like oh man look, me I call him up front, you know, and he's holdin' the poster and I'm lookin' at it. He's showin' it to me.

Yes, she just said "oh man look, me I call him up front."

'Course, pictures started snappin', you know, 'cause I'm givin' the poster the old thumbs up. And it was a thumb, you know. It wasn't any other fingers. My thumb. That poster, though, you've heard the term "swear like a sailor," even though I think this guy was a soldier, and, you know, same thing, well.

Nope. Not the same thing.

Anyway, someone snappin' that photo -- we've taken a lot of heat over the last two days for being seen with this photo, with a four-letter message to Michael Moore that he deserves. [laughter, applause] Well, I was thinking, okay, we'll take that heat. That's okay because what the poster said is what the rest of us are thinking. It just said it.

The poster also suggested shooting Michael Moore. Is that what Palin thinks Moore "deserves?"

4) Howlin' weasels. It was during this next section about the Trig-Standing-on-a-Dog controversy, when the prompters likely failed.

Well, it was just scandalous that I would show our big, strapping, as I say healthy lab letting my [high pitch voice] little, tiny boy use her as a stepping stool to get to reach the kitchen sink. He kinda stood on her and looked down into the sink, I took a picture, and I said hey this is what turning a stumbling block into a stepping stone is all about.

To repeat what I wrote at the time: what exactly is the stumbling block here? Is the service dog the stumbling block? I thought the service dog was trained to help Trig -- not as a ladder -- but as a companion and guide.

PETA barking their tired old death threats against us, and I'm thinkin' oh get in line. Weasels, you know. Yeah! That their howlin', howlin' through the press that, you know, cruelty to animals, Sarah Palin, uh, which, [resuming high pitch voice] which surprised me considering what it does that Joni does to those poor, defenseless, really great tastin' Iowa hogs.

Um, what? First, PETA might not always make the best choices, but it didn't issue any death threats against Palin. She just made that up. Also, I have no idea what she was trying to say about Joni Ernst, other than to perhaps toss her pal, the "pistol-packin', Harley-ridin' mamma grizzly," under the PETA bus.

5) Steve very strong. He goin' rogue. I double-checked my transcript against the video and there aren't any typos in the follow blurb. It's precisely as delivered:

And of course Congressman Steve King, my goodness, Steve very strong. He goin' rogue there in D.C., putting principle over party privilege by being one of the brave, one of the few to actually pull the lever for change in congressional leadership so we can have new energy, and we can have that serve the movement -- the policies that will get the country back on the right track, he voted for that change.

Steve strong! He rogue! Fire bad!

If Palin ever actually, you know, learned things, she'd be aware that members of Congress don't "pull levers" during floor or leadership votes. So, no, Steve King didn't pull any levers.

6) ??????? Part One. This apparently has something to do with President Obama.

Because they know that he who was the one, now, with tee-time on the mind, he is so over it.

I don't -- huh?

7) ???????? Part Two. See if you can make heads or tails of this one. I can't.

And how will they ax Obamacare when it started as Hillarycare? When will they let us control our own care?

How will they ax Obamacare when it started as Hillarycare? What does Hillarycare have to do with axing Obamacare? Furthermore, Obamacare started as Romneycare, which in turn started as Grassleycare and Dolecare.

8) Forego a conclusion. At this point, she pulled out one of several props. I kept waiting for a cartoon-sized mallet and a giant melon, but instead it was a TIME Magazine with the headline: "Can Anyone Stop Hillary."

Now, the press asks [holds up TIME Magazine] the press asks can anyone stop Hillary? This is to forego a conclusion right?

She seriously said, "This is to forego a conclusion." To be really generous, perhaps she was struggling to say it's a foregone conclusion that Hillary Clinton will win the 2016 presidential election, but because her brain was surgically removed and replaced with a tiny donkey napping under a tree, it came out like that.

9) Thumb-Sitting. Palin said Republicans like to sit on their thumbs. She said it, I didn't.

And we don't sit on our thumbs this time when one of our own is being crucified and falsely accused of whatever the hip accusation of the day happens to be, right? Racism. Sexism. Whatever.

She continued:

Really it's kinda' Orwellian observing how that works that rule of Saul Alinsky's no doubt that the left employs, disgusting charges from the left that reverse 'em.

No, it's not Orwellian observing how it works. It works in an Orwellian way, is what I think she meant. Bonus points for the Saul Alinsky reference even though she has no idea how Alinsky relates to any of this. So, any guess as to what she meant at the end there? "Disgusting charges from the left that reverse 'em." Again, no typos. That's exactly how it was delivered. What's being reversed? The disgusting charges? Or do the disgusting charges reverse them ('em)? If so, who's "them?"

You know, for it is they who point a finger not realizing that they have triple the amount of fingers pointin' right back at 'em. Revealing that they are the ones that really discriminate and divide on color and class and sex.

I thought she just described the finger-pointing as having to do with "disgusting charges" yet she just said there are three times as many fingers, ostensibly from the right, pointed at the one finger apparently from the left. So, doesn't that make the right responsible for three-times as many disgusting charges?

10) Results can't be argued. Believe it or not, it got worse. In a section about I-don't-know-what, she talked about state governors and how "they administer," and how unlike other politicians, governors are accountable.

Look at the conservative governors. They're accountable. They administer, they have these results all across the U.S. in conservative governors' offices, the results can't be argued.

They can't? Why not? And what's the point of any of this?

So we paint the contrast with bold colors, and we don't underestimate the wisdom of the people when we on offense give them the truth and the true state of the union, especially showin' young people what's actually going on.

Okay, this is nuts. She started with something about painting, and connected the painting with the wisdom of the people, then connected the wisdom to "when we on offense" (not a typo) and then ended by shoehorning into the sentence a thing about young people. That right there is authentic frontier gibberish.

11) The Sarah Palin Foreign Policy. When it comes to the War on Terror, Palin thinks our troops should tell the terrorists: nuh-uh, this is our house, get the hell out! No, really, she said that.

What we do, we strengthen our military, we respect our troops, and we let them, our troops, our gatekeepers, we let them tell jihadists, nuh-uh this is our house, get the hell out!

Ugh. And she wanted to be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office. Let that sink in for a moment. Now think about the notion that many of the gomers who attended her speech this weekend agree that she'd make a fine president.

12) And now, some good old fashioned racism. Sarah Palin called the president "boy."

We also have to school our president, I guess, on the rules. An impatient president doesn't just get to trample our Constitution, and ignore Congress. Just because he doesn't get exactly what he wants every time he wants it. It's -- hmmm -- with all due respect to the office of the presidency, it's like an overgrown little boy who's just acting kinda spoiled, and moms, we don't put up with that, do we? No. Well, dads neither.

But since I've accused her of using racially-charged language, there are currently three fingers pointed at me -- for I am the real racist. ("For it is they who point a finger..." reminds me of when Jay Mewes in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back said, "You are the ones who are the ball-lickers!")

13) No More Retreads! Ever! Next, she suggested that the government is too big to succeed. 64 percent of government spending goes to Defense, Social Security and Medicare. Which of those areas would Palin like to cut? Someone should ask her.

Things must change for this government, look at it. It isn't too big to fail, it's too big to succeed. It's too big to succeed, so we can afford no retreads. Or nothing will change, with the same people and the same policies that got us into this status quo. Another Latin word, status quo.

"Status quo" is two words. Not one.

And it stands for, man, the middle class, every day Americans are really gettin' taken for a ride.

In Palin's addled mind, that's the literal translation of the "word" status quo, and the definition includes "man, the middle class" and "gettin' taken for a ride."

That's status quo. And GOP leaders, by the way, uh, you know, the man can only ride ya' when your back is bent, so strengthen it. Then the man can't ride ya', America won't be taken for a ride because so much is at stake. And we can't afford politicians playing games like nothing more is at stake than oh maybe just the next standing of theirs in the next election.

So, who's being taken for a ride and who's the horse? First she said the middle class is being taken for a ride, which means the people are the riders. But then she says it's "the man" who's riding the GOP leaders, and so they need to straighten their backs so they can't be ridden. Is "the man" the American people? And what the hell is "the next standing of theirs in the next election?" My head hurts.

14) The Brain Worms Won. By the end of the speech, the remnants of Palin's diseased cerebrum had probably liquefied and settled in her brain-pan like a shallow puddle of Cream of Mushroom soup. It's the only way to explain this train-wreck:

Being beholden to the people it is their record then, not their standing in the party, but their record that needs to be considered and we cut them then if we want a fired up, unified base to get the GOP over the line to thwart the lies of the less [sic] and their politics of personal destruction, we gotta cut the candidates who don't fit that bill of being beholden to the people.

"But their record that needs to be considered and cut them then...???" Seriously, at this point she might as well have just said, "Words words words and words, for it is words words words hopey-changey words."

Please, Sarah, for the sake of comedy, please run for president. America needs to laugh. DNC Communications Director Mo Elleithee released a two-word statement in response to the address: "Thank you!" I couldn't agree more.