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Did You Hear The One About The Muslim?

For a religion the purports to be the last word on everything in the world and Universe that will account for the souls of man and lead us all to true peace and paradise by being the actual word of God… It’s awfully concerned about a few people taking the piss a bit. You have to ask, how sure are you about your God? How confident are you in your religion if it can’t stand up to some cartoons?

BBC Headline: Gunmen have shot dead 12 people at the Paris office of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in an apparent militant Islamist attack.

It’s hard. It’s hard not to become Islamaphobic. It’s hard not to descend into hate and fear of the Islamic faith and those who practice it. This latest round of murder in the name of Mohammed – he who shalt not be depicted – is yet another pretty compelling reason to start walking towards the moment where we, live-and-let-live human beings, write the Muslim faithful off as a dangerous bunch of psychopaths with an unquenchable blood lust.

Rationally one says, “It’s just a fringe element and it doesn’t represent the Muslim community on the whole…” But emotionally? If there were some Boy Scouts of America running around screaming out, “DO YOUR BEST. BE PREPARED!” and then maiming and killing people with the scissors on their Swiss army knives – every time you saw a Boy Scout of America, any Boy Scout of America you’d stop whatever you were doing and hide behind something. Or to put it another way: if it walks like a pig, oinks like a pig and tastes delicious with apple sauce – it’s a pig.

But we fight that feeling. We fight it because it is unreasonable to criticize a whole people based on the actions of the few. So our fall back position becomes one of finding a common ground – something that we can all agree on which is it’s not just the Muslims that are nuts it’s that all religions are crazy.
All of these superstitious, nonsensical pattern seeking primates are insane. Whether you believe in the return of zombie Jesus and the upcoming rapture, you believe that God himself promised you a patch of desert in the middle-east or you believe an intergalactic dictator named Xenu brought his people to earth 75 million years ago, killed them all with H bombs and now their souls have become Thetans – it’s all nuts… And like all insane people they exist on a sliding scale from benign to dangerous.

Imagine we’re on a high street during the middle of the day. The only people that are on that high street at 12pm are the unemployable and the insane – now let’s throw the religion lens on it. The barefoot man reading ‘Cat In The Hat’ to a pigeon is a Christian, the woman with the tinfoil wrapped around her head shaking some twigs and a coat hanger she’s tied together with wool and twine is Mormon, the man gently rocking in a puddle of his own urine and drinking methylated spirits is a Hindu, the one who thinks he’s controlling the phasing of the traffic lights by blinking is the Buddhist. But the one sitting in the back of the bus in a hoody with his hands balled up in fists growling “what the fuck are you looking at?” is the Muslim.

At least that’s how it feels. The others are babbling nut-jobs but they aren’t threatening you with violence. When you’re faced with the ‘growling in the hoody’ type of insane the best thing to do is look at the floor or get off the bus.

That’s Islam. You can’t look at it, talk to it and you definitely can’t joke with it.

For a religion the purports to be the last word on everything in the world and Universe that will account for the souls of man and lead us all to true peace and paradise by being the actual word of God… it’s awfully concerned about a few people taking the piss a bit. You have to ask, how sure are you about your God? How confident are you in your religion if it can’t stand up to some cartoons?

Last year I went to one of the funniest things I have ever seen. A two-hour musical written by Matt Parker and Trey Stone. It’s called ‘The Book Of Mormon and it demolishes that religion from the ground up…

(Matt Parker and Trey Stone talking about Mormonism and talking about being censored about talking about Muslims…)

Has anyone seen Monty Python’s The Life Of Brian lately?  Christians are ridiculed and laughed at so often nobody even blinks…

(Jim Jeffries talks about Christianity)

Catholics, quite rightly, have had their pants pulled down innumerable times…

(Louis CK talking about Catholics)

And how many times have the Jewish people found punch lines in their own beliefs? Now ask how many times have Mormons, Christians, Buddhists, Hindus or Jews have dusted off the AK47s and shot up a stage full of actors, called for and sanctioned the murder of novelists or stabbed film directors in the street. As far as I know the answer is zero times.

(Zero deaths attributed to this cover)


Muslims can’t take a joke. They have zero sense of humor. They can’t laugh at themselves or, it seems, anything for that matter. And it’s so fucking lame.

The thing about a sense of humor is that it’s actually an intelligence test. Dumb people aren’t funny. The funniest people I know are the smartest people I know. Try telling a joke to a stupid person. The dumber they are the worse their sense of humor. Sure you can laugh at them – but not with them. A sense of humor requires a suspension of self, it requires the ability to see the world from someone else’s perspective, it needs empathy and lastly it commands imagination. This is what the religious lack – they’re so damn literal. Literalness is the safe harbor of the unintelligent.

Comedy, satire, ‘taking the piss’ these are tools that we the normal folk in the real world use everyday. We use it to understand the society we live in, the relationships we have and most importantly ourselves. If I can’t laugh at my own short comings, my friends can’t rip-shit out of my mistakes, I can’t see the humor of my shitty life choices, then I might start to believe I’m infallible and that everything I did and said was perfect. Sound familiar?

Our comedians are better than your untouchable prophets because our comedians use laughter to bring people together not fear and blackmail. They fill rooms with people from diverse backgrounds and, through intelligence originality and generosity express ideas that make us laugh and remove boundries. To me, a sense of humor is as important as the ability to love. It’s fundamental to our way of life. Laughter is a powerful, real force and apparently a force more powerful than your toy prophet can handle.

Like all religions, Islam wants the rest of us to convert to its worldview. It wants us to all nod along to the readings of its stone tablets and live according to their ideas. But one problem’s it has (apart from the fact it’s Muslims killing innocent artists) is that the picture it paints of the world is fucking grim. Humorless, grey and rote without laughter and self expression. It seems the world Islam wants us to all live in is a pious world filled with God fearing and obedience. It’s just so fuckin’ earnest and earnestness is the least attractive trait in a person – it’s hard to love, follow or even listen to the earnest guy.
So this latest round of murder happens because some Muslim’s can’t take a joke, scrutiny or criticism and we all bite our tongues and continue to give out second, third, fourth chances… which is the right thing to do.

We’ll be polite and chalk your insanity, violence, intolerance, bullying, laziness and hate up to something all religions share. We’ll say, “Those kooky religious types!” And you ‘moderate’ Muslims can blend in with moderate ‘pick-n-choose-your-Bible-bits’ Christians, weekend Buddhists and the rest of the spiritual materialists. You can shoulder the blame with all the other flag waving, symbol toting, head-in-the sand crazies. We’ll do you this favor and put you all on a equal footing. But not for long. Soon Islam will be singled out as the worst of all these bronze aged nonsensical death cults simply because it will be the worst.
Guys, you’re killing people because jokes. Lighten the fuck up.