As soon as Fox News reported that Santa Claus "just is white," the same as Jesus, liberal outrage suddenly threw millions of children into a yuletide panic. On September 21, 1897, our own Tommy Christopher responded to a letter from one such youngster, little Megynia O'Kelly, and we've been publishing that response every year since then:
"Dear Editor: I am 8 years old. I was watching Fox News the other night, as I'm known to do, and they said there is only a white Santa Claus, but MSNBC says that's not true. Papa says, 'If you see it in The Daily Banter, it's so.' Please tell me the truth; is there a white Santa Claus?" - Megynia O'Kelly
MEGYNIA (which is a lovely, yet oddly familiar, name), your favorite news channel is wrong, and so is MSNBC. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, MEGYNIA, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge. And don't get me started on women.
Yes, MEGYNIA, there is a Santa Claus, and he is white. He exists as certainly as voter fraud and Friends of Hamas and Obama's Muslim museum exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no white Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no MEGYNIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no New Black Panthers, no Obama Baby Mama to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in white Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in traditional marriage! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, and if they did, and he was not white, what could this fanciful black Santa Claus do to avoid being shot by them?
But even if they did not see white Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? They can report, but you decide! Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see a tax cut for a billionaire trickle hundred-dollar bills down onto your lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but unless you also feature an expert who explains that the angels get scared away before you can see them, you are not being fair and balanced. You may catch a glimpse of Santa's Long Form Birth Certificate, but if you do not believe, what would that prove? Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, MEGYNIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No white Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, MEGYNIA, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood, because global warming is a lie.