If you’ve ever been on a plane near someone who's just chased Mexican food down with a few too many margaritas at the airport Chipotle, eventually you’ll realize that person has an explosive situation brewing south of the border. Yet, as bad as those burrito butt bombs might be, they pale in comparison to what Al Qaeda's affiliate in the Arabian Peninsula has planned according the latest edition of its official English language magazine – Proctology Monthly.
I spoof about the name of the magazine, which is actually Inspire. But the plan would be laugh-out-loud funny were the goal not so murderous. The magazine encourages lone-wolf commercial airline suicide bombers to place bombs “where the [airport] employee[s] do not reach and have no right to touch or pat, like ‘Umar Farouq did.”
That would be the ass, which apparently the writer is too modest to say outright. The magazine also explains how to make the bomb, courtesy of a self-described, "Al Qaeda Chef." The "Umar Farouq" here is Umar Farouq Abdulmutallab -- the so-called "underwear bomber" who tried but failed to detonate a bomb hidden in his underwear on a Detroit-bound flight on Christmas Day in 2009. Officials said the bomb failed to explode because it became soiled after Abdulmutallab didn't change his underwear for two weeks.
That’s quite a streak. Or should I say, streaks.
But Inspire also goes on to note the case of Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri, who in 2009 died after he detonated a bomb hidden inside his rectal cavity that was intended to kill Saudi Arabia's Deputy Minister of the Interior, which it did not. The magazine suggests this method might be more effective than merely placing explosives in one's underwear.
In case you were wondering, sodomy is haram in Islam as it is in Christianity, but with an exception. As one London-based sheikh has assured, sodomy is totally halal so long as it's a means for jihad:
"My question is whether I am permitted to allow one of the mujahideen to access my anus, if my intentions are honorable, and the purpose is to train for Jihad by widening my anus. The sheikh praised Allah and said: 'In principle, sodomy is forbidden. However, Jihad is more important. It is the pinnacle of Islam. If sodomy is the only way to reach this pinnacle of Islam, then there is no harm in it.'"
Beam me up. What's next? Mandatory background checks for all purchases of Astroglide and K-Y?
In sum, sodomy for the purpose of bringing people sexual pleasure is sinful, while sodomy for the purpose of bringing people death is noble.