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America, Fuck No: Paramount Now Surrenders on "Team America" Because We Suck

No Interview. No Team America. No balls.
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Before there was The Interview, there was Team America: World Police, a film that relentlessly mocked anyone and everyone, up to and including half of Hollywood and then-North Korean lunatic leader Kim Jong-il. That movie was produced by Paramount Pictures, which also released South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut, thereby being complicit in the annihilation of every last shred of good taste and the ridicule of Saddam Hussein, Christianity, Canadians and the notion that 4th graders shouldn't say, "Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!" Sure, one movie featured poorly animated kids and the other starred marionettes, but they were still ballsy as hell -- and Hollywood, Paramount in particular, let them slide.

Remember those days? They were good.

Well, they're over.

When the Alamo Draft House in Dallas learned that Sony was cravenly caving to hackers -- whom the U.S. has linked to North Korea -- and pulling the entire Christmas release of The Interview, it was ready to respond in the best possible way. The theater announced that in place of the Rogen-Franco comedy, it would show Team America as a nice little fuck-you to North Korea (and probably to Sony too). Several other theaters across the country followed suit and it looked like an honest-to-god act of good, old-fashioned American insurgency was in the works.

That's all come to an end now, though, because the balls have apparently completely dropped off of Hollywood. Paramount Pictures has reportedly informed all theaters planning to show Team America next week that they're prohibited from doing so.

There's no word from Paramount as to why it's doing this. Sony Entertainment's rationale may -- in addition to the threat of further exposure -- have something to do with the fact that its corporate mothership is Japanese and therefore within arm's distance of North Korea. But Paramount has no legitimate excuse. It's owned by Viacom (although it's reaching into East Asia the way every other entertainment conglomerate is these days). Best explanation: We've become a nation of wusses. I'm sticking to that one.

RELATED: Here's the scene of Kim Jong-un being assassinated in The Interview. Because fuck the hackers.