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How Conservatives View Atheists' 'War On Christmas'

Secularist be warned. This is what happens when you wage war on Christmas.

When Christian conservatives wax apoplectic about the "war on Christmas," they're engaging in one of their favorite time-honored traditions: casting themselves as martyrs for a moral cause increasingly under attack from the godless heathens of secular society. Whereas Jesus was tortured and executed by the Romans at the behest of Jewish elders, Christian conservatives willingly mount their cross that sits atop a soapbox, from which they rain down sanctimonious invective at their persecutors.

The thing about the war on Christmas is that it really doesn't take much to qualify as combatant. That's because Christian conservatives are forever on the lookout for any hint of enemy mobilization, and so therefore a whole host of minor actions suffice as acts of war, including but not limited to: using 'holiday(s)' instead of 'Christmas'; removing of a nativity scene from a U.S. Air Force base; putting up an anti-religious billboard; and erecting a Festivus pole at a nativity scene.

Of course, these aren't just acts of war in the war on Christmas. As the American Family Association's Sandy Rios said last year, "This is exactly what Hitler did in Nazi Germany."

When researching Rios' claim, I found the following archival footage of Hitler's last days in the Führerbunker, which I've translated into English for your convenience. It tells you everything you need to know about what happened when Hitler tried to blitzkrieg Kris Kringle:

Santa 1, Hitler 0.

Onward, Christmas Soldiers.

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