In his mid-term post-mortem press conference, President Obama made reference to possibly getting together with soon-to-be Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) and working out some ways to maybe, after all this time, finally work together, perhaps by holding a bourbon summit.
That's adorable! I'm an optimist too, because I like to live in denial a lot! But let's talk about this supposed "bourbon summit" and consider how it will never work ever.
All we need to know is this: After Republicans took control of the House after the 2010 midterms, McConnell declared that the GOP's mission top priority was working with the president on bipartisan solutions, and finding common ground and negotiating legislation that both Congress and the president could get behind.
I'm just kidding. It was this:
"Our top political priority over the next two years should be to deny President Obama a second term."
How patriotic! McConnell's entire modus operandi is to oppose every single thing Obama does, even if it has a chance of improving the country. He is a "NO" machine, though Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) still puts him to shame:
So it's easy to predict how well a bourbon summit is going to go.
I think we can assume that for appearance's sake, the gentlemen can agree on a fine Kentucky bourbon like Maker's Mark or Wild Turkey (though Knob Creek is jockeying hard for a glass at the table). And that is where the agreement will end.
Obama's staff will ask a school in Kentucky to fold up some origami napkins for decoration. McConnell will cry foul because it's an overreach of the federal government.
While Obama will sit on McConnell's right for the photo op, McConnell won't go near anything he thinks is to the left of Obama. Not even the bathroom.
Obama will offer to bring in a bluegrass band from McConnell's hometown, but McConnell will rebrand them "redgrass" because Democrats are blue, so there. He will then secretly phone the band to cancel the appearance because he refuses to let the president be responsible for a thing he might like.
McConnell will probably not go for whatever snacks Obama has planned, probably because they'll be too fancy. McConnell will insist on takeout from Cracker Barrel, find out what Obama dislikes, then make him eat it anyway, while smiling. Obama will do it because he just can't with this guy anymore.
Both men will remember that Obama can issue executive orders for days and will do whatever the fuck he wants now that he doesn't have to worry about re-election. McConnell will whine on camera at a weekly press conference about this, even though he doesn't have to, but he's not really about compromising. He's all about that base.
Related: Watch CBS's Major Garrett provide a rare spectacle of substance at that same White House press conference and then see why the losing Democratic candidate should have stood by Obama instead of keeping their distance.