Skip to main content

Foxtoberfest Of Stupid: Sean Hannity (3) vs. Howard Kurtz (6)

Contrary to popular belief, these guys did not make up two thirds of the Three Stooges.
  • Author:
  • Updated:

In today's round of Foxtoberfest of Stupid, we have heavyweight bonehead Sean Hannity taking on veteran know-nothing Howard Kurtz. Both have extensive careers filled with humiliating mistakes and upsetting arrogance, but Hannity has a serious edge over Kurtz. How did the latter's first year at Fox stack up compared to Hannity's 18 years of experience spouting nonsensical bullshit on America's worst news network?

Kurtz does better than expected, thanks largely to his cringe-worthy battle with Stephen Colbert. It's always a glorious sight to see a supposedly respectable news personality start screaming at a comedian, and Kurtz's outrage at being mocked by Colbert for asking whether Hillary Clinton is too old to be president did not disappoint. In an exclusive blog post for Fox News Insider, Kurtz went off the rails ranting about Colbert:

"This guy — a fake anchor if ever there was one — has been maligning hard-working journalists for too long. In an effort to get a few cheap laughs, this Comedy Central clown took my work out of context and, worse, engaged in selective editing. It was nothing less than a deliberate attempt to mislead viewers."

This bizarre, one-sided feud continued for the better part of a year, here's Kurtz wishing Colbert luck on "dropping your protective cloak as a pompous blowhard" on the Aug. 31st edition of MediaBuzz:

This of course flies in the face of both parental strategies for dealing with a schoolyard bully -- ignoring them (mom) or challenging them to a good old-fashioned playground showdown at 3:00pm behind the jungle gym (terrible dads everywhere). Kurtz's ego is too big for the former, and Colbert knows karate, so both of those are out. That leaves only more primitive defense mechanisms; below is a picture of a Northern Fulmar chick defending itself with projectile vomit.


This is basically what Kurtz does in response to Colbert's constant taunting. If network news was The Hunger Games, Kurtz would be that kid who gets whacked with a machete 10 seconds after the whistle, except probably with more sobbing.

But although Kurtz's single-minded devotion to proving himself incapable of defending himself against even mild criticismis the stuff of Foxtoberfest champions, Hannity isn't going down without a fight. Hannity spent the better part of early 2014 locked in a turgid love affair with right-wing militia extremist and known racist Cliven Bundy, defending the rancher-cum-tax-evader  with repeated and stultifying displays of raw idiocy.

Take this clip from the April 21 edition of Hannity, where the network's second-angriest Irishman defended Bundy against comparisons to right-wing terrorists like Timothy McVeigh:

Watch the latest video at <a href=""></a>

"Now, given the events in Oklahoma City and at the Boston Marathon, we really know what real domestic terrorists look like, and that's not Cliven Bundy or his supporters," Hannity says. Of course - the right-wing militia sympathizer behind the Oklahoma City bombings could never, ever look like this:


Or this:


Or, you know, this:


Hannity doesn't stop there. During the clip, Professor Hannity whips out his limited understanding of property law, which the Banter's Michael Luciano called "a groundbreaking interpretation of property rights that lesser minds like say, John Locke, were too limited to envision":

"I guess this goes to the heart of it here because what we've always been talking about is the government fighting over land that they don't need for a hospital or a road or a school, and the land is going to be sitting there anyway, and all the cows are doing is eating and maybe going to the bathroom on it. They said originally this was about the desert tortoise. How did we get to this point where the government sends hundreds of people in there? There seems to be a total lack of proportionality in this."

The feds weren't using Bundy's grazing territory, Hannity says, so it's just up for grabs. This idea that federal property rights are somehow conditional is closer to the sovereign citizen movement than anything you'd find in an introduction to property law course, but Hannity doesn't skip a beat using this misguided notion as justification for heavily-armed militia members standing off with local and federal authorities.

Later, when Bundy was outed as a racist, Hannity backpedaled like a coward and claimed he was always "concerned" about the ugly tone of the incident, saying it was a "prescription for a disaster." Despite his insistence that compassionate right-wingers like himself were the victims of Bundy's 'blacks were better off under slavery' spiel, Bundy's racism was pretty damn predictable. Even Kurtz called him out for it.

Given the choice between the two of these blowhards, heavy favorite Hannity still wins big time. Kurtz's self-pitying blubbering is both sad and obnoxious, but by fervently backing Bundy from day one Hannity's brain-dead punditry proved itself to actually be a minor threat to national security. I'd rather live in a world where neither of these two individuals existed, but if there was only room for one more person on a rocket to the sun I'd shove a screaming Hannity in first. Maybe we could trick Kurtz into standing on the launch pad too.

Just tell him it's where the White House hid all those Benghazi emails.


Game 1: Sarah Palin vs. Charles Krauthammer

Game 2: Mike Huckabee vs. Lauren Green

Game 3: Ben Carson vs. Geraldo Rivera

Game 4: Kimberly Guilfoyle vs. Lou Dobbs

Game 6: Steve Doocy vs. Greta Van Susteren

Game 7: Gretchen Carlson vs. Laura Ingraham