It's here! It's here! It's here!
The iPhone 6 is here!
And what's that? It's brought along a friend?
The iPhone 6 PLUS?! Plus what?! How can we already be adding things to something that isn't out yet?
STEVE JOBS IS A GENIUS!
Let's take a look at all the amazing things about the new iPhone 6...
The Screen Is HUGE!
Coming in at 4.7 inches, the iPhone 6 screen is now only .5 INCHES smaller than the next smallest competitor. However, if still you feel like that isn't enough to fully enjoy that picture your friend just sent you of the hazelnut crepe she's eating, the iPhone 6 Plus comes in at 5.5 inches, dwarfing the puny Galaxy S5's measly 5.1 inches.
A smartphone screen, like life, like football, is a game of inches...
It's So LIGHT!
Feeling burdened by that heavy Windows phone of yours? Well that's because it's 5.89 oz! You're basically begging to tear your rotator cuff every time you answer the phone!
The iPhone 6, on the other hand, is a lovely 4.55 oz, perfect for anyone whose robust social media presence has caused their muscles to almost completely atrophy.
The CAMERA! It Let's You Shoot In SUPER SLOW MOTION!
The iPhone 6 will have an 8 megapixel camera and a 2.2 aperture, which is at least 220% more aperture than none. But more importantly, the camera can do 43 MEGAPIXEL PANAROMAS and can capture slow motion videos at 240 FPS, up from 120 fps with the iPhone 5s.
Our world just got a lot wider and a lot slower!
It's THIN But It Still Has CURVES!
Jeans are being worn tighter and tighter each day, but that's okay because the iPhone 6 is .77MM THINNER than the bulky iPhone 5S. On top of that, the glass on the front of the iPhone 6 curves around the side.
Did you even know glass could be curved?!
The Battery Life Is NEAR-INFINITE!
Previous iPhones were only rated at 10 miniscule hours of continuous video playback (what are we, Luddites!). The new iPhone 6, however, has been rated for 11 HOURS of continuous video playback! That's so many hours for activities!
It's connected by LIGHTNING!
While all competitors are stuck using universal, micro USB connectors that you can find any old place, Apple is using its patented Apple Lightning connector in the iPhone 6. These things are most likely powered by actual lightning and will come in handy when Apple -- who bought headphone makers Beats By Dre for $3.2 billion a few months ago -- tells us all to go out and buy Apple Lightning-connected headphones so that we never have to use anything but Apple ever again!
This magical piece of equipment that brings us one step closer to God is available September 19th, so get your astronaut food and pee jars ready now. It's time to go campin'!