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The 12 Safest Places To Be Black

A friendly public service message.

If recent history and statistics have taught us anything, it's that life is too short to take unacceptable risks like skydiving, unprotected sex, and wearing a hoodie. However, while avoiding these risky behaviors is obvious to most white people, black folks don't seem to be getting the message. Rather than curse the darkness, though, we prefer to light a candle, and want to help the security and safety of our fellow humans by sharing the 12 safest places to be black.

If you're black and you make it to any of these places, you'll be safer than a Dane Cook album in the clearance bin at Sam Goody.

12. A Sport utility vehicle*


They have the the highest safety ratings of any automobile just don't turn on the stereo! If you have to turn in the stereo, keep a Michael Bolton CD on hand. That way, if you run into any jittery white people, they're much more likely to shoot themselves.

11. Your own driveway


This one is near the bottom of our list because, while you're less likely to get killed in your own driveway, you still might get shot up pretty good.

10. A car wreck


You'll get shot driving your car, and you'll definitely get shot going for help after you crash your car, but while you're inside that smoldering wreck, you're in the safety sweet spot. But do not get out of the car! If you are actively on fire and can't put it out with spit or something, then make sure you exit the vehicle slowly. Time was, I'd tell you to put your hands up, too, but that's strictly optional now. Come to think of it, just cut off your hands.

9. The sidewalk


If the Mike Brown shooting has taught us anything, it's that black people are safer on the sidewalk than in the street. At least in Ferguson, Missouri...

8. Not the sidewalk


If you're in New York, however, stay off of the sidewalk, and do not carry any loose cigarettes. Matter of fact, don't carry anything.

7. On your bicycle


Always remember to wear your helmet, and do not wave at the cops.

6. Iraq


It's true that 9% of the United States' 4,487 Iraq War fatalities were black, but that works out to about one every 170 hours, versus one black person extrajudicially killed every 28 hours in the United States.

5. Target


Ironically, you'll be less of a target if you shop at Target. First, because it's not Walmart, but also, they don't sell any firearms, only toy guns "that [are] brightly colored and oddly shaped." Still, don't touch any of the toy guns.

Bonus: They also don't let white people carry guns in their stores. Anymore.

4. Die Hards 1, 2, and 3


Now, the catch is, you'll have to make friends with the white cop, but if you do, aside from some scrapes, cuts, bruises, and Twinkie-related health issues, you'll come out of it fine.

3. The F train


This has only been confirmed to work on Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and some white man will still take a picture of you and send it to the rest of the white people, but hell, it's worth a shot.

2. With an armed dog


This is doubly safe, because not only has there never been a documented case of a dog shooting a black man, they do shoot white people all the time, so if you make someone feel threatened, Fido's got your back.

1. The White House


It's a fact that no black man has ever been shot while living at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Sure, you'll get threats, and occasionally, someone will bust shots at your house, but that's about it. And all you have to do is get elected president.