Nearly 24 hours later and America is still out of its gourd because President Obama wore an ordinary tan suit during a press conference -- attire that's so utterly normal, yet somehow so completely and inexplicably outrageous that it's being treated practically as an impeachable offense. But given the reaction, we can only wonder whether Obama will be attacked next week for having eyebrows or eating breakfast. Seriously, what the hell is so bizarre about a tan suit? Unless he constructed it out of human skins inside a creepy basement with his genitals tucked back, Obama's choice to wear a tan suit yesterday was perhaps the least objectionable decision the president -- or any president -- has ever made.
At best, America has lost the narrative. At worst, we've taken a miraculous form of technology unlike the world has ever seen and ruined it. Rather than exploiting the internet for the purposes of bettering our nation and our government, we've festooned it with childish snickering and outrage addiction about the absolute most mundane thing ever: a tan suit. We've been given the means to change the world and instead we've elevated an absolutely ordinary, unremarkable, uncontroversial suit color into both a capital crime and an unfunny meme. Regarding the latter, if at any point you laughed your ass off at a tan suit, hack comedians everywhere will be thrilled to tell you some airplane peanut jokes. It could be the most inane comedy premise ever.
We've reached the end of the line. If a tan suit is suddenly a kneeslapper, then the well is dry and comedy is dead.
Elsewhere, the GOP has continued to embrace its inner Seacrest. I suppose we shouldn't be surprised that a subculture that routinely plays dress 'em up in cowboy/redneck/fake-military regalia would eventually reveal itself to be inhabited by poncy fashionistas, evaluating every Obama clothing ensemble like spray-tanned airheads during an E! red carpet special. To wit, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) has always portrayed himself as a tough-taking al-Qaeda hunter, but today in a Newsmax video, he came off like Kristin Cavallari, host of the Fabulist, offering Botox hints for unsightly armpit wrinkles.
Here's the intrepid Pete King talking about Obama's tan suit:
I mean, you have the whole world watching, but you have a week, uh, two weeks of, uh, anticipation of what the United States is gonna do, and then you walk out -- and I'm not trying to be trivial here, but -- in a light suit, uh, a tan suit saying, first he wants to talk about what most Americans care about, and [unintelligible] quoting numbers on the economy. This is a week after Jim Foley was beheaded and he's trying to act like real Americans care about the economy.
Right off the bat, yes, real Americans care about the economy. How is this even a point of debate? The James Foley murder was a horrifying tragedy and ISIS should be punished for it, but at the end of the day, we want to know whether we can pay our bills and keep our jobs.
King goes on to say that ISIS was watching -- and what would they make of Obama's performance? Yes, really. Just because Pete King cares about US Magazine trivialities doesn't necessarily mean ISIS is out there like Perez Hilton, scribbling snarky comments on photos of Obama's suit.
Worse, it sounds like Pete King has decided that certain suit colors should match certain news events, like matching your socks with your accessories. For beheading news, it's a must to wear dark wool, but only after Labor Day. But if we're talking about the deficit, go vintage Mad Men cool.
I seriously can't believe we have to talk about this.