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How a Tea Party Government Would Ruin America

While we might laugh at Eric Cantor's primary loss at the hands of a Tea Partier, a conservative fringe takeover of government would be no joke.

Eric Cantor has managed to do what was previously thought impossible: screw the country by losing his seat in Congress.

His loss to David Brat -- a Tea Partier who until now could barely afford his own trip to the glue factory -- is going to fire up conservative districts across the nation and is almost guaranteed to help other militant right wing candidates win votes in their midterm contests.

So what if even more “moderate” Republicans lose their chairs to radical conservatives? Could you survive a Tea Party America? Let’s take a glimpse of what the U.S. would look like should the nuts take control of the nut house.

The Economy

According to liberal economists, counter-cyclical spending patterns –in other words, using government dollars to create jobs, infrastructure, increase social spending programs for the poor, etc. during a down cycle — are necessary in order to keep the economy afloat. If you can find one Tea Party member who believes in this, let alone understands economics in general, then you should also prepare yourself for the apocalypse. We need only look as far back as the EU debt crisis to see how damaging a pro-cyclical spending pattern can be, and how it can exacerbate recessions.

That’s right; ready yourself for fiscal austerity that will further widen the income gap, smaller government that will cease to spend on social welfare or even dissolve many of these programs altogether, the destruction of the Affordable Care Act, and a nation that is poorly prepared for the next recession since the nation’s coffers will be underfunded due to sharp cuts in taxes.

Foreign Policy

If you like fire and brimstone, you’re in luck. With Tea Partiers at the helm of U.S. foreign policy, any possible U.S.-Iran nuclear deal will likely be derailed, ultimately leading to a far less secure Middle East. Our relationship with Israel will grow ever stronger while alienating the Arab world in the process, and new economic aggression towards China will lead to potential conflict over the long-term. Tea Partiers are somewhat split on whether the U.S. should increasingly disengage from world affairs while keeping free trade agreements alive, but they are mostly in favor of America putting the stick before the carrot in tense international conflicts.

The Environment

If there’s one thing Tea Partiers couldn’t care less about, it’s our environment; maybe because many of them have no faith in science.

In fact, the group actually wants to dissolve the Environment Protection Agency altogether, complete with a laughably ironic quote by Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas): "Let EPA go the way of the dinosaurs that became fossil fuels." You know, because relentless burning of petroleum will absolutely reverse the harmful effects of climate change.

In fairness, the Party is afraid that more lead-smelting plants -- crucial to the manufacture of gun ammunition -- will be forced to close under EPA regulations. I stand with the Tea Party on this one, because if I can’t kill shit for no reason, stuff it, and mount it on my wall to show everyone how huge my cock is, I’ll renounce my citizenship.

Civil Rights

The LGBTQ community and women should be especially worried about Tea Party control, given that its members almost universally reject abortion, gay marriage, or gay rights in general.

Further, the idea of gays and lesbians raising children and the practice of any other religion but Christianity upsets Tea Partiers as well, with a whopping 71% of staunch conservatives  telling the Pew Research Center that more gay and lesbian couples raising children is a bad thing, and 45% answering that the practice of religion besides Christianity is bad.

Lastly, if you own a gun, want to own a gun, like guns, sleep with a gun under your pillow, etc., and are simultaneously indifferent to the rash of violence caused by firearms currently taking place in the country, you’re in luck. In fact, 78% of Tea Partiers prefer protecting the right to own a gun over the necessity to control ownership.

The Take

I don’t want to tell you how to vote, but if polling and quotes directly from the horse’s ass --err, mouth-- are any indication of how Tea Partiers plan on steering the ship, many of us are in for a world of hurt should they gain control of anything important.

The key takeaway from our theoretical trip into the smoggy, sick, poor, gun-soaked abyss is this: the majority of the country does not hold the radical views of the Tea Party, and should these conservative zealots somehow wrest control of Congress via hostile takeover of the tempered Republican ideology of our yesteryears, please don’t call it a victory for democracy.