Yesterday, Variety reported, "Lionsgate and Saban Brands are partnering to develop and produce a live-action movie based on Saban’s Power Rangers property as the first film in a franchise."
And thanks to my penchant for pop-culture, that's all I need to accurately predict the future.
Yep, I have a gift. Some people need to read palms or consult tarot cards, I need Variety. But I can teach you my ways...
First, let's look at the players we already know are involved:
Lionsgate struck oil with the Twilight series and then, while digging out for their new Infinity Pool, they hit another vein with the child-on-child-murdering Hunger Games franchise. And that should send shivers down your spine.
These are the guys behind such infamous love triangles like Bella-Edward-Jacob and Katniss-Peeta-Gale. Just imagine the kind of dramatic juice they're going to get out of Pink Ranger-Red Ranger-Green Ranger*. Invest in www.TeamGreenRanger.com while you can.
*For the record, I will pretend not to care about such trivial things, but secretly I will have strong, adamant pro-Green Ranger opinions and will judge anyone who disagrees. #TeamGreenRanger4Life
In this partnership, Lionsgate is like The Penguin, ruthless and cold but mostly just someone with the means to make (bad) things happen and an apathy towards anyone that might get hurt along the way. But Saban is like The Joker. Obvious madmen -- just look at the stuff they've thought of to brainwash hook children with -- these guys took concrete, historic franchises like Super Mario and turned them into this:
Next, let's look think of what nostalgia items we can guarantee they will be banking on:
If you have the memory of a goldfish and can't remember which character is which underneath their Power Ranger gear, the creators made sure to help you out.
- The Blue Ranger is a boy (duh).
- The Pink Ranger is the white Valley Girl (like duuhhh).
- The Black Ranger is the black guy (uhh what? I guess it's just a coinciden...)
- The Yellow Ranger is the asian girl. (...ce).
We may be exponentially more tolerant than we were back in the close-minded days of the 90's, but it doesn't matter that our President is black, our Black Ranger is going to be too.
Half the fun of watching every episode of the Power Rangers (as a kid...) was seeing the exquisite-corpse inspired monsters the writers half-assed that week.
Some fan favorites:
- Ivan Ooze: "Ivan Ooze was imprisoned for 6,000 years in an egg-shaped Hyperlock Chamber by Zordon and a small group of young warriors...Apparently, he was most angered by the boredom of his lengthly imprisonment, being forced to miss several disasters throughout Earth's history such as the Black Death, the Spanish Inquisition, and the 1981 reunion of The Brady Bunch."
- Gnarly Gnome: A musical goblin/gnome monster who had the ability to become invisible and his accordion could hypnotize people.
- Pineoctopus: A pineapple/octopus monster who took the form of Pineapple the Clown. He turned Trini's cousin, Silvia, into cardboard. Yes, actual cardboard. Like a piece of cardboard...
I guess when you're setting the bar for Ultimate Evil Bad Guy as a mix between The Shredder, Poseidon, and the muscle-and-tissue anatomy mannequin, it's pretty easy to let Hydro Hog slide...
But now just think of all the CGI monstrosities they can create with 2014 technology!
Pineoctopus is going to look so lifelike!
You know how some people went to see Transformers just to see Optimus Prime transform for the first time? Well watch this clip:
Now imagine a square-jawed white male has just yelled "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!" and the best hair metal you've ever heard begins blaring from seemingly out of nowhere.
It's going to be like that.
And let's not even get into the inevitable sequel when we get to experience this in Dolby Surround Sound:
That flute sound is going to be most popular ringtone circa 2017.
So now, having studied all the parts and measured their chi or whatever, it's actually pretty easy to predict the future and see what kind of film we're going to end up with...
Teenage Love Triangle + Nostalgia Bait + Pretty Multi-Ethnic People + Overused CGI + Machines Turning Into Other Bigger Machines?
The only thing in this film's future is tons and tons and tons of cash.
But as Shakespeare once said, "Money is a good soldier."