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Life and Other Four Letter Words: P O R N

Porn is about fantasy, but it’s set in the real world and made to feel as probable as possible. So then why are men’s fantasies about women so fucking horrible; what’s wrong with men that want to jerk off over cruelty?

Oliver Green is a modern life burnout/angeraholic living in Bali, Indonesia and writing about life instead of making things worse by having one.


My first run in with porn was probably like yours – a magazine found in in the rubbish bins on the street or stolen from an uncle who smoked roll-your-own cigarettes, slept in a sleeping bag on top of his mattress and had jeans so dirty they came when he called them - Uncle Awesome. I remember being a little guy and flipping the pages of an ill-gotten magazine. I was innocently devouring the images of blonde hair, lips, breasts, vaginas and blushing buttholes. My heart was racing, my face was hot, I was happy.

But something about the photographs was making my little penis FURIOUS.

My little-finger sized pee-pee had never been this ANGRY and was looking directly up at me and sreaming, “What are you doing?!” and I looked back at him and said, “I don’t know – looking at the ladies!”

My penis, absolutely livid now, “Well don’t just look at them – do something!!!” At this point in life I had no I idea about masturbation because my family wasn’t Catholic and I didn’t have a priest to show me how to masturbate; it was just me and the smallest, angriest penis in the world.

“Please do something for fucksake!”

So I did something. I freed my pissed off little member from it’s cloth prison and just sort of… mashed it against the pages of the magazine. Against the glossy cover and soft focused pictures of women on hay-bails and satin sheets like I was trying to stub out a skin-cigarette with a paper ashtray. I did this screw faced grinding and grunting until… until… until I had the most glorious, fulfilling, delicious ‘sneezy feeling’. And when the ringing in my ears finally subsided, I heard from below my belt, “Thank you. That… was… perfect. Let’s do that as much as possible and for the rest of our lives.”And it would be fair to say that I came out of my teenaged years and twenties with one arm like an eastern block javelin throwers and a porn habit.

Now, there are two types of men in the world: those who use pornography to masturbate… and fucking liars.

And when we say PORN what we actually mean is WANK.

W A N K could have easily been the four-letter word at the top of this page. Porn isn’t made to be entertainment, although much of todays entertainment takes its cues from porn. When pornographers dropped the complex storylines – man delivers pizza to convent - and character development – Nun is revealed as cum-thirsty slut who ALSO loves pizza - for the easier to follow plot of ‘they fuck…’ approach, it saved a lot of nervous set-up time in lounge rooms while wives were shopping a lot of wear and tear on the fast forward mechanism in VHS machines.

Porn is a utility.

A tool and there’s a good saying about tools - ‘people don’t buy a drill – they buy a hole,’ so to that end – people don’t buy pornography, they buy a fist full of wet tissue and desire for a little sleep and a sandwich. And porn is the most popular tool in the box (speaking personally, I haven’t had a memory wank since I was 15 years old and I’m not sure I could now). If you trapped me on a desert Island I would have to hunt some monkeys down and watch them monkey-fuck in order to get me going (is it doggy style if monkeys are doing it?)

Porn is like a face-razor – a product that’s used predominantly by men. And like how razor makers keep adding blades to their product to keep it exciting to their consumers, pornographers also have their innovations. The pornographers ‘blades’ seem, increasingly, to be extreme acts of cruelty and degradation towards women. There is no shooting script in porn – nothing read out and memorized but there is a sexual script IE: what sex acts take place and the order of those sex acts that script is revealing a worrying trend.

Porn is about fantasy, but it’s set in the real world and made to feel as probable as possible. So then why are men’s fantasies about women so fucking horrible; what’s wrong with men that want to jerk off over cruelty?

What started as first some oral sex and then vaginal sex quickly turned to oral, vaginal and anal. Then they innovated with double penetration. Then double anal double vaginal. Then the gagging was introduced – a harrowingly unsexy form of porn where women are choked with giant penises until they throw up leaving the women with tears running down their faces and mascara everywhere looking like they’ve been raped. More innovation in the form of Ass To Mouth where a woman gives some meat-puppet oral sex after his penis has been in her, or some other lucky ladies' anus before it’s been cleaned.

… And then there’s the fringe stuff.

The rape porn, abuse porn, slapping, choking, 50 dudes one girl, the fact that every second porn title has the word whore, bitch, or slut in it and the damage all the fake tan and hair bleach is doing the porn stars skin and hair.

And the reason for that rather descriptive description of it all is to point out a pattern in what the mainstream male is jerking off to.

Porn is getting down right mean.

None of the above scenarios are designed for the pleasure of women. They are conceived as forms of subjugation and humiliation, and some are literally making a woman eat shit. So what happens when the routine humiliation of women is fused to the intense pleasure of men in the context of this dominantly patriarchal society? You can’t have young guys watching images of women eating shit off a dick while they give themselves the best sneezy feeling in the world and expect a good result for this civilization .

Porn is now the primary sex educator in this culture.

11 year old boys are being exposed to some heavy images and mostly video. But studying the effects of porn on kids is a tricky one.

Ideally you’d take a bunch of kids and show them hardcore porn for a month and test them before and after the exposure – add a cartoon clown with a stiffy and that in itself is starting to sound like a fringe genre of porn. No parent is going to let their kid take part in that study, and those who would are probably already raising the next generation of porn stars anyway. So the damage is hard to quantify, but we know that kids and teenagers process emotional information differently to adults, and porn falls on the emotional side of things, so it would be surprising if porn exposure didn’t have an effect on the developing brains and ideas of young minds. For example: If you see a woman with pubic hair these days you think she’s a lunatic. See a woman with natural, bushy pubic hair and you assume that she lives in the woods making Blair Witch twig sculptures and talking to sparrows. Or that women have an insatiable appetite for penis and love having their faces treated like a dick dartboard. Or that sex is easy to get!

Sex was never supposed to be easy to get.

We were supposed to work for it. Sex is a powerful and wonderful dynamic because it is withheld. The sex dynamic twas ever thus: men want sex – women withhold it, and men become better people in order to get it. When a woman holds out, a man stops acting like a fucking moron and starts stringing sentences together and using the toilet like a big boy and this gets him his reward.

Okay a very simplistic view of things – but true nonetheless. The second World War was won by a bunch of virgins trying to make sure there were some women left to fiddle with in their home countries. As Aristotle said, “Without beautiful women, there would be no need for money.”

Men are getting used to the ease of it and that’s one of the habit-forming traits. Men are addicted to chitchat free orgasms, and it’s affecting their perception of how sex comes to them.

Heavy porn users have difficulty distinguishing between real life and porn, meaning their interactions with women have become all twisted, and when denied sex or during sex if they aren’t begged to put their testicle into a butthole, they get confused and frustrated. This can lead to anger, and when anger and sex get in the same room, bad things happen.

There was rape before there was porn. So porn doesn’t cause rape. There are lots of men who watch porn and don’t rape… and there is probably a man somewhere has never seen porn (in a jungle, in a cave under a rock… under another rock wrapped in a sack with no eyes) and rapes, but the links between sexual violence and porn are well documented. In Ted Bundy’s final interview he explicitly said, "porn made me do it." His view was that he kept watching porn and like a drug, it lost it’s effect, so he upped the dosage until the only thing left for him was to murder a bunch of women in a sexual frenzy.

Thankfully not for everyone but I can see the logic.

I recently had a very refreshing nervous break down which gave me an aversion to all things vice. I stopped using booze, drugs and porn. The use of it added to my sense of anxiety – and around it I felt the lack of control one associates with being intoxicated – it got me high. And I believe porn is a narcotic of sorts.

Help me out here.

How many times have you been treating your dick like a sperm piñata with an open laptop in front of you and had the orgasm, blinked, and exhaled, and then looked at the screen and thought, “What the fuck is happening here – why are those women letting that fat hairy guy do that to them?”

No one has ever seen the end of a porn movie. Everyone knows how they start and a percentage of men know what happens in the middle but no one has made it to the end before the images made your penis so sick it threw up and you slammed the lid of the laptop closed wondering who typed EBONY PREGGY PISS PARTY into the search bar. That can’t have been you?

A healthy relationship with porn is like a relationship with junk food.

You use it occasionally because you’re bored, hungover or sad knowing that it’s not nutritious. You do it quickly in a place no one will see you and as soon it’s over you destroy the evidence and wipe whatever spillage there might have been off your pants… and lick your fingers.

But the result of losing porn from my life resulted in ZERO wanking and I went a good 6 months without masturbating... The sperm inside my testicles were trapped together and it became like a shipwrecked situation with the weaker sperms were being eaten by the stronger ones until there was just one king sperm that had eaten all the others and grew to the sized of a guppy and when, during sex, he was released, he flopped around on the bed until I squashed him by hitting him with a with a slipper and flushed him down the toilet still twitching, which was freaky.

But I digress: My point was how linked porn and my sexual appetite had become. How reliant on it I was and in which category my mind placed it in – the JUNK category.

Porn is not benign. Porn impacts lives. Porn is the reason we even know about Paris Hilton and without porn she wouldn’t have been famous and she wouldn’t have recorded this freestyle rap with Snoop Dogg that I watched that ruined my fucking life. I say we need to be careful with it like we are with any narcotic – the conversation can’t be one about limiting its creation or subject matter because censorship is worse than any porn - even that weird Japanese stuff with the live octopuses (plural?) and the schoolgirls.

The conversation is a public health one like junk food. We don’t stop feeding our kids food altogether, but we tell them why junk food is bad for them so when we aren’t with the little shits they don’t eat it (okay bad example).

So back to younger me and my angry little penis...

I revisited that porn magazine many, many, many times in the coming days and weeks and rubbed myself on it so much so that Furious George had more paper cuts on him than a postal worker’s fingers. It was my favorite thing to look at, and then one sad day I had the idea that maybe I could take it with me wherever I went instead of disappearing into the shed where I had it hidden. But then a better idea struck me and I ran for the scissors.

With Mum’s kitchen shears I cut all the vaginas and breasts out of the magazine and stuffed them into my pocket. Then later that night I pulled them out… and felt nothing – that was the day I learned about context and how unsexy a bunch of disembodied tits and pussies are and there’s something in that.

Porn isn’t sex – it’s a disembodied version of it and if we’re not careful it might be all that we are left holding in our sweaty fists.