Skip to main content

Life and Other Four Letter Words: K I D S

My parents were also 24-years-old when they had me which today is like 11-year-old having a kid. And therefore not addled with vain sentience. They just had drunk sex, got knocked up and thankfully for me they took the hard way out.
  • Author:
  • Updated:

Oliver Green is a modern life burnout/angeraholic living in Bali, Indonesia and writing about life instead of making things worse by having one.


I’m married and we don’t have kids. I’m 40 years old and my wife is 32 years old. We are at a fork in the road and in discussion.

Have kids Vs Don’t have kids.

Either we have a kid and become a slave to a tiny, drunk dictator with sticky hands, shitty taste in movies and spend our days saying “Don’t touch that” and readying ourselves for a trip to space every time we have to leave the house.

Or we don’t have kids and stay tiresome, self-obsessed adults with no meaning or purpose in life just drinking coffee having the never ending circular conversations to ourselves about ourselves about what this beard “says about me” and pondering our creative ‘potential’. Is there anything more childish than a man in his 40’s with ‘potential’? I want to smack myself and put myself in my room.

Kids? No Kids?

Either we have kids and put our marriage at risk – new studies show couples with kids rate themselves as more unhappy than those without kids. From the outside looking in it looks like a repetitive, exhausting experience that could have been avoided.

BUT can a marriage bare the lack of children in the long term? Couples without kids have to remain interesting to each other year after year whereas parents have the fact that little Jasper bit little Soshana’s arm in ‘toddler movement awareness class’ to talk about. Or later that teenaged Jasper might be gay and how excited everyone is to have a minority in the family. Congratulatons you wrote a soap opera with your genitals and now you have something to discuss forever. You can always tell the middle aged people with no kids – they’re the ones on the train quietly brainstorming topics of conversation for the coming evening and carefully pacing out the episodes of box-sets so that ‘the silence’ doesn’t edge into the room and reveal the fact that from here on in it’s just book clubs and dying in front of each other for entertainment.

Kids? No Kids?

I was definitely unplanned and probably unwanted. And that was the natural order of things in 1973. That was the way children were brought into the world. Begrudgingly. Kids were treated like very, very long lasting STD’s that one carefully avoided. They were called ‘accidents’ and like most accidents there was blame, guilt, denial and some attempted wriggling-out-of-it associated. It was a contraception land-grab for drug companies and the year I was born was the year abortion was made legal in the USA. It was the time of choice and that choice seemed to be prevention. Not a champagne era for zygotes.

My parents were also 24-years-old when they had me which today is like 11-year-old having a kid. And therefore not addled with vain sentience. They just had drunk sex, got knocked up and thankfully for me they took the hard way out.

Cut to 2014 and I’m sitting at a restaurant with my wife discussing the option of kids… while some other pricks annoying kids are making mashed potato sculptures and doing ambulance siren impersonations – I know you shouldn’t hit your kids – but what about other peoples kids – and what if their Dad really pleads?

Ask the man with the kids next to me what it’s like to be a father he’ll do what I have seen many other men like him do. He’ll say the correct words but his face will tell a different story. Like an American hostage in Iran reading a prepared statement with an AK47 muzzle bruise on his temple a black eye, missing finger-nails and that days newspaper in front of him.

“The child is… a joy. The child has changed my life for the best and is the greatest thing I have done. I am… happy now.”

He looks off camera at his captors.

“All praise be to my child the most high.”

But there will be no sympathy for you, friend. You either chose to have the kids or you are dumb.

It seems to me the dumber you are the easier it is to conceive and the more likely you are to bring multiple children into the world.

Dumb16-year-olds get pregnant from ‘just the tip’ even though they wiped them selves straight afterwards with a kitchen towel and sprayed Mr Muscle into their front-bums like Yahoo Answers told them to. The religious crowd seem to have no trouble at all - and they are thicker than a stack of a Bible a Koran, and the all the Dianetics stories on top of each other - or worse, they’re willfully ignorant. Mormons especially – plausibly the silliest people on the planet with the craziest belief system going and they can’t stop making kids. They have litters of them like horny Labradors. It’s as if they’re a cult that hates vaginas and wants to keep smooshing things with arms and legs out of them until the vaginas are like monsoon buckets that drops floods of imbeciles to put out the fires of hell.

Meanwhile the affluent, educated and prepared couples who put off having kids until they were ready are having trouble.

More women in their 40’s are having children than ever which is really saying something because hit your 40’s and conceiving a child isn’t the easiest thing to do. “We are trying for a baby”.

Sounds like a job. Not sure my parent’s generation were having that administrate sex couples have now where they have a thermometer up their arse and are thinking about babies the whole time they do it - sex while thinking about babies is weird and possibly illegal not to mention joyless. Then it doesn’t happen… and keeps not happening… the panic sets in and we resort to expensive invasive IVF treatment where men are forced to masturbate into cups whilst looking at pornography in MAGAZINES. Barbaric. This is an added pressure on already strained couples. Kids aren’t supposed to cost $50,000 unless you’re Madonna and you want one that matches your handbag. It’s all just starting to sound too hard.

We are all having kids too late – I’m going to be an old dad which means when I’m with my kid he’s crying, which kids do 70% of the time, it’s going to look like I stole it from a supermarket carpark.

My wife will be an older Mum which means she’ll probably be so thankful the little thing came out her without three eyes and hair on the soles of its feet she’ll just plug it straight into Facebook like the humans in the Matrix to keep everyone updated on it’s every movement.

There are lots of kids on Facebook now and they are, without exception, all very dull. Not their fault it's just that they are kids and kids are like short films - great if they're yours, no character development and crappy dialogue if they're not. So here's a tip:

A great way of making your child more exciting is to put a GO-PRO camera on it. It seems to work for every other boring thing in the world from kite surfing to record scratching. Put the GO-PRO on 'Jasper', 'Plumb', 'Bookcase' or whatever vanity plate you've stuck on the poor wee child and let it toddle about on a building site, a road, through a horse race or a crack den. It’s hard to care about other people’s kids which is tough because it’s been said that it takes a village to raise a child.

But how do you choose the right village to leave your child with – and what if that village won’t take your child? You could just leave your child outside the village and run away but most village-people are excellent trackers and will know the surrounding terrain better than you so they’ll probably catch you. No. The answer is – you’ll have to raise the child yourself. You’re going to have do a decent job too - you have to give a child a childhood that was a step up from yours and try not to add another jerkoff adult to the pile of human fuckwits we all have to clamber over everyday all day.

Deviants, miscreants and Mumford and Sons fans.

Idiot adults are just fucked up kids a few years later. Something happened to that adult man twirling fire sticks at a music festival that can’t now unhappen. Something terrible was done to him as a child to make that adult think it is okay for a white man to have dreadlocks. By all means approach him and open hand slap him with sickening force and a repetition but that will only serve to make you and anyone watching feel better about the situation it won’t change who he is because the damage is done and society has to now deal with this know-nothing prick with a “yellow aura” and 85 pockets on his trousers. Another jerk on the jerk pile.

Thank you ‘Archie’s’ parents.

Kids? No Kids?

I have looked at kids and I have looked at the adults that kids inevitably become and nothing I have seen in either species has given me good reason to stop faking orgasms. But I have spent 40 years with this endless, selfish feedback loop of my opinions of myself and I’m bored of me.

Kids are generally less useful than a tin opener and about as much fun to be around as an angry snake but they are good for one thing and maybe their only use – they change the fucking subject.