Oliver Green is a modern life burnout/angeraholic living in Bali, Indonesia and writing about life instead of making things worse by having one.
[WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART/SALON READERS]
F A G S
God hates fags. Fact. It’s written in that book of love and acceptance called The Bible.
Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind: it is an abomination.
That’s the phrase. 13 words. Another piece of fine print from that bronze-aged manual for life. That’s the fact of the matter. Now let’s get our placards and make someone’s life hell.
In celebration of the Westboro Baptist Churches esteemed leaders death - following is a script for my new Kickstarter project…
MAN-ON-MAN FILMS PRESENTS
Fred Phelps Night In Heaven (Abomination)
WE OPEN IN HEAVEN.
FRED PHELPS enters wearing white leather bondage gear. Sitting on a cloud is JESUS. JESUS is an Arab muscle bear covered in hair, a beard and built like body builder. He is stroking his engorged penis. Staring at FRED.
Is this… Heaven?
It’s about to be, Freddy.
FRED walks towards JESUS while unzipping the flap on the rear of his leather britches exposing his wrinkled haunches. No kissing - JESUS bends FRED over. FRED grabs onto a stack of bibles for support.
JESUS enters FRED. He growls like a dog and through gritted teeth…
I can feel Jesus' love inside me.
He has risen!
I can. Oh God! Oh God! OH GOD!
A door opens and GOD walks in. GOD is a 6’3” black dude totally nude and oiled up. He has a penis that looks like a prosthetic leg kicking a soccer ball.
GOD walks over to FRED and puts FRED on the spit. JESUS and GOD hi-5 over FRED’s old body. GOD produces a CUM SHOT on FRED’s face and all the skin melts off like the Nazis in Raiders Of The Lost Arc when the Arc was opened at the end.
FADE TO BLACK
So God hates fags, Russia hates fags, sport hates fags, the military hates fags, Hollywood hates fags (they pretend not to but there are an awful lot of straight guys playing Gay guys and none the other way around), corporate America hates fags, Africa hates fags, the courts hate fags, Islam hates fags and on it goes. It’s confounding, it’s boring, and it’s still dangerous to be gay.
1. Why are these bigots so upset?
But more importantly:
2. Who gave these bigots all this power?
As far as I can tell the hate is mostly aimed at gay men from straight men. It’s dude on dude crime. The lesbians seem okay to most bigots as they probably typed ‘girl on girl’ into YOUPORN this very morning and knocked one out while their wives got the result of their heterosexuality ready for school. IE: The way lesbians have sex is okay to the bigots. The hate is for the way men have sex.
The ‘sodomy’ part is the bit everyone gets hung up on. None of these African hate preachers are talking about when two men go to Ikea together to buy lamps – the Military aren’t worried that having some show tunes on a soldiers iPod is going to ‘disrupt’ morale - they’re talking about sodomy.
It’s that simple: Some people don’t like the way men hump.
We all know that sodomy isn’t in every gay man's repertoire but it would be disingenuous for the gay community to say, “Oh hey – we are just like you guys when it comes to sex.” Total bullshit.
Gay sex is way better than hetero sex.
One word. GRINDR.
Grindr – invented by gays because walking into a bar and putting your dick through a hole in the toilet stall wasn‘t easy enough. Currently over 8 million users and 10,000 horny homos joining daily all spending an hour on the app per day. Now, thanks to technology, you reach into your pocket, you push a button, and you can have sex with a stranger. The only way I, as a heterosexual male that isn’t a rockstar, can do that is if the thing in my pocket is a switch-blade and the button I push makes the blade come flying out.
Being friends with a single gay dude is… emotional.
Because while I’m on my phone deciding which movie I’ll see that night, he’s on his phone deciding which three dudes he’s going let Rodney King him with their penises. Even the straightest acting homos I know are on Grindr.
And it’s not because they’re gay -it’s because they’re men!
It’s not the gay part that makes them want to fuck a stranger behind a dumpster - all men want to do that!
The issue straight men have is that they have to try and convince women to be party to the perverse desires that swarm around in their heads like horny locusts that should be in jail. Women are the handbrakes on the fun train. Get rid of the women in the equation and it’s a totally different story. Sex for gay men is like Home Alone when McCauley Culkin’s parents leave him in the house. Except they’re not bouncing on the bed eating ice cream – they’re with 6 other dudes smoking meth in the shower of a Holiday Inn bathroom pissing on some Chinese guy who’s wearing a wrestling mask and calling himself “El Jeffe”. And that’s on a Wednesday.
NB: I agree with gay guys vaginas are a little gross - especially if you’re not ready to see them. You can’t just BAM! see a vagina and walk away totally happy. That’s why boobs exist –to ready one for the vagina.
It’s about sex isn’t it, bigot? And it’s really hard not to think that you’re all not a tiny bit envious. It’s difficult not see the hate wrought against gay men by straight men as anything more than repressed jealousy.
Because homosexual men in their 20 and 30’s are the most fun-having human beings on the planet – only rivaled by the sons of Mexican cocaine cartel bosses who carry gold guns and keep human being as pets. Do you know how rich you have to be to pull that shit off as a straight dude? Cocaine cartel rich – that’s how rich. But ANY 24-year-old homo can have a chubby human women as a pet! They’re called fag-hags and they’ll follow him around wherever he goes whenever he wants and even buy him his drinks.
The other ridiculous shit these old bigots spout – That gayness is a choice or that gayness is contagious.
Gayness isn’t a choice if it was we’d all, every one of us with a brain in our heads, would choose GAY. And we’d re-up every year. Pay the subscription fee direct debit – then half way through the year when they announced Gay Plus with extra Gayness we’d get on the phone, listen to a muzak version of ‘Beyonce, Put A Ring On It’ on call waiting and opt in for that Gay Plus right then and there!
Gay dudes are slowly taking all best things and making them theirs.
Neatness. Fitness. Beards. Unprotected sex with strangers. The word ‘fist’. The word ‘gay’. Convertibles. Dancing well. Singing Aretha Franklin songs into a hairbrush. Eating a banana in public. Eating a banana on your knees. Appreciating a rainbow. Hard hats and tool belts - all over this nation dudes are risking severe head trauma because every time they don a hard-hat with a tool belt they are worried that the Indian and the Cop and the Sailor are going to turn up.
Leaving us with ill fitting jeans and... Kid Rock.
And you can’t catch Gayness. You can catch H.I.V but not gayness. So relax, bigot – you’re probably not going to become gay. But here are some precautions you can take to make sure: Say you are sucking a man’s cock; IF you hum the theme tune to Monday Night Football – that’s not gay. It’s not gay to make love to a man… IF YOU WIN! It’s not gay to make out with a guy and give him a hand job – IF you are wearing your wife’s clothes and make up. Keep that in mind.
So, bigots I don’t expect you to love our gay brethren but how about showing a little indifference?
Can you at least embrace indifference? I want a world where there are no sequined-hot-panted gay pride parades but there is also no gay bashing. I want the ads for toilet cleaner on my TV to show two perfect men smiling and smelling the freshness of their toilet. I want gayness to not be about how people fuck – I want it to be about the mundane parts of relationships; box-sets to watch next and whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher. Let the whole thing become normal.
If you want to stop gay men having freaky sex – let them marry.
I don’t know one married man in the world that is having anal sex! Not one.
Marriage is the opposite of anal sex. If you hate gay people let them into the military ASAP. There’s a much better chance of gay people being dead if you let them go to war. You push the other people you hate into the military (poor people and black/brown people) all the time based on the fact you don’t want them around any more – why not gay people? Let gay people adopt children. Actually, make it compulsory. Nothing kills ‘fabulousness’ like baby sick and lack of sleep.
So Fred, God hates fags? I doubt it.
I’m sure God is a little bit busy not existing to hate anyone.