Skip to main content

Life and Other Four Letter Words: F O O D

Animals have to come off the menu. We could end our love affair with meat but that’s called being a ‘vegan’ and although meat could give you cancer of the arsehole being a vegan will turn you into an actual arsehole. What is the solution? It's surprisingly simple.
  • Author:
  • Updated:

Oliver Green is a modern life burnout/angeraholic living in Bali, Indonesia and writing about life instead of making things worse by having one.

F O O D 

All food turns into poo. It starts as something nutritious we put it in our mouths while saying stuff like, “Oh yes – this goes splendidly with the Chardonnay.” Then our bodies makes energy from the food and what the body can’t use it turns into a poo which gives us a little ‘me time’ everyday while we get rid of it but also leaves us hungry and in need of more food. So poo makes us hungry and seems we are always fucking famished.

We are at a crossroads as human beings. The planet is now groaning under the weight of 7billion of us and when you factor in the morbidly obese, their mobility scooters and trained remote-control-fetching-monkeys that’s quite a weight.

7 billion hungry mouths devouring everything. It’s not just that we are eating all the best animals - I’m looking at you Chinese people with your Sharks Fin soups, Tiger penis kebabs and your Rhino horn pasties - it’s that we are chopping everything down sucking everything out of the earth and killing the planet to grow, feed, ship, package and sell the sheep, pigs and cows we eat three times a day. Growing a cow, slaughtering it and turning it into a steak taco takes about 3 barrels of oil per cow so we can’t keep doing that much longer – besides we need that oil to deep fry potatoes and Mars bars.

So we are faced with two facts, which are diametrically opposed and utterly heartbreaking.

  1. Animals are made of delicious.

  1. We can’t go on eating animals.

Animals have to come off the menu. We could end our love affair with meat but that’s called being a ‘vegan’ and although meat could give you cancer of the arsehole being a vegan will turn you into an actual arsehole.

The solution is obvious – it’s staring you in the face. It’s also cutting you off in traffic, telling you about a deal it got on some socks on Amazon and agreeing to disagree about who was the better James Bond – the solution is people. This is a fact that many a homosexual serial killer has known for years: man is meat. People are made are all made of food.

It is the best solution for the planet. If we all eat one person over the course of the week the population halves. It deals with over crowding, hunger and the environmental cost of producing food – all in one move. So the only question left to ask is, “Do you feel like Italian or Vietnamese?”

At first we’ll use this new look at food to do a bit of a cull. We’ll open the abattoir to the people that, if we are honest, society doesn’t want. The violent criminals, drug addicts, prostitutes, child actors, bald men, spinster school teachers, people in their twenties, wearers of Oakley sunglasses and those who say “literally” literally every second word.

This first batch of Peep-Meat will not be not be ‘Prime’ as it’s addled with drugs, teeming with HIV, 90% lard or poisoned with fake tan but it will work for the fast food outlets and keep their lobbyists happy.

It need not be that big of a change for fast food. Mc Donalds could simply get literal and swap the beef in their burgers for burgers made from the meat of red haired clowns. KFC could simply replace chicken with racist white-men sporting goatees and bow-ties. Burger King kind of writes it’s own menu now and the Royal Family now have a useful contribution to make – we all love a royal birth more so now someone gets to eat the little Whopper.

But the only fair way to go is a draft system. I propose a draft where every man women and child (especially children – they are like veal) has their name in the draft. If the name is called that lucky soul takes themselves to their local processing sheds, has their genitals shocked their skin removed and their face turned into MEAT.

The meat lottery is not only fair but also gives us all the best chance of having some rich people meat. Rich people will be the tastiest of the meats. The Kobe beef of the human meat world. A pampered bankers wife that has been fed nothing but pheasant and supped nothing but the finest wines. Massaged by desperate little hands and chauffer driven from gym to spa with the only stress in her life being the firing of some brown person from her household or if the ice sculptures for her child’s kindergarten graduation don’t capture the ‘feeling of 3-year-oldness’ enough. Grind the bitch up and crack an egg on the tartar.

Weight watchers could make DIET ready meals out of all all the spoilt bulimic, coke-whorish celebrity meat - finally getting them into a kitchen and the male gym buffed douche bags versions would be able to smile knowing that all their hard work wasn’t for nothing.

All the 100’s of TV food shows we are drowning in would be more like UFC matches with combatants fighting for their lives before being butchered into segments by the blood covered victor and shared amongst the hungry crowds. The Food Network becoming like some Eastern European snuff channel set in Oprah’s country style kitchen. The current bunch of celebrity chefs would become celebrity meals – Jamie Oliver is already ready for us to harvest his Foie Gras liver and spread it on toast. Nigella Lawson comes pre-tenderized at the hands of Charles Saatchi and Gordon Ramsey – well, he stays alive - no one wants to eat him he’d taste awful – although there is an argument for making a chewy and tangy jerky out of his facial skin.

Socially it’s right. Environmentally it’s right.  Ethically it’s… in keeping with current projections but this should put the idea over the edge: The two most banal social media trends inflicted upon us - of photographing oneself  and photographing ones meals get rolled into one and cancel each other out for ever. #dinnertime