Translating Andrea Peyser's Hateful Column on Philip Seymour Hoffman

Andrea Peyser, the New York Post's resident hate monger, penned a lengthy diatribe against recently deceased Philip Seymour Hoffman yesterday, because Goddammit, he's been dead long enough for her to piss all over his grave with her political agenda!
Andrea Peyser

Andrea Peyser, the New York Post's resident hate monger, penned a lengthy diatribe against recently deceased Philip Seymour Hoffman yesterday because goddammit he's been dead long enough for her to piss all over his grave with her political agenda!

The article, one long pointless rant about a subject Peyser has no idea about, denounces the rehabilitation industry that apparently profits off 'glorifying' drug abusers, and slams Hoffman for choosing addiction when he could have easily quit and become normal like Amanda Peyser.

Peyser's extensive research consisted of interviewing one person who isn't a doctor, isn't a scientist, and helps run a rehab place that openly "Teaches the fact that addiction is not genetically inherited," despite the fact that science tell us it most definitely is

Here are the main points in Peyser's piece, with our translation beneath:

Andrea Peyser: We’ve been looking at addiction all wrong.

Translation: I, Andrea Peyser, an internet columnist, know how to look at drug addiction better than anyone else.

Andrea Peyser: Glorifying and enabling drug abusers is what those in the multibillion-dollar addiction industry do best. Since he succumbed to an apparent heroin overdose Feb. 2, Hoffman, the brilliant performer who won a Best Actor Oscar for 2005’s “Capote,” is painted by leaders in the drug trade not as an adult who made the fatal decision to get high. Hoffman is routinely infantilized as the victim of a “disease” — a word I reject like ebola.

Translation: Based on no evidence whatsoever, I'm going to declare that all drug rehab programs glorify severe heroin abuse. Why? Because I write for the New York Post, and we don't require facts when making a point. 

Andrea Peyser: “Philip Seymour Hoffman is another victim of extremely stupid drug laws” was the title of a loopy column written by British comedian/actor Russell Brand, himself a recovering drug addict, in The Guardian newspaper. He argued for drug legalization and blamed the actor’s death on everything from society’s fascination with celebrity culture to our supposed contempt for addicts — but he fails to wag his finger at Hoffman himself.

Translation: Russell Brand, who has been drug free for over 10 years and preaches total abstinence, knows nothing about drug addiction. I, Andrea Peyser, know much more about it because I'm not addicted to drugs, haven't got off heroin, and can't envision what it is like to be anything other than an upper middle class white woman. 

Andrea Peyser: Steven Slate has another take. “I was snorting heroin for a few years before I went to my first rehab,” he told me. “It was repeated to me, over and over, that everyone who uses heroin will shoot up. Within a week after leaving rehab, I started shooting up,” said Slate, 37. “It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.” Slate cleaned up his act at St. Jude Retreats, which bills itself as an alternative to standard drug-treatment centers. Now he runs the company’s New York City office. At the three St. Jude facilities in upstate New York, about 45 guests — they’re not called patients — are never told they’re sick.

“They do drugs because it makes them happy,” said Slate. During a six-week residential program, the goal is for guests to find new hobbies.

Translation: Despite hard, scientific evidence that proves serious addiction is a combination of genetic and environmental influences, I found someone who agreed with my world view and put them in my article to make it sound like I'm right. 

Andrea Peyser: Hoffman paid $9,800 a month in rent, or nearly 5¹/₂ times my monthly mortgage payment. He lived alone for about three months after his costume-designer girlfriend, Mimi O’Donnell, alarmed at his use, kicked him out of the flat he shared with her and their three kids.

Translation: While not relevant to talk about how much richer Philip Seymour Hoffman was than me, it helps make a point that he was an overpaid Hollywood actor with a superficial girlfriend, as opposed to me, a highly respected gossip columnist for Rupert Murdoch.

Andrea Peyser: For stars with unlimited means and toadies at their disposal, traditional treatment programs clearly don’t work. It’s doubtful they work for anyone.

Translation: If Hoffman had only realized that he just had to stop using heroin, he'd be alive today. Oh,  and f**k  him and all his money! 

Andrea Peyser: In the end, heroin was Hoffman’s companion. The sad inventory of items police found in his apartment included 50 plastic bags of heroin bearing the words “Ace of Spades’’ and “Ace of Hearts,” plus 20 empty bags. There were 20 used syringes and a batch of fresh ones, five vials containing various prescription pills, and a charred spoon Hoffman likely used to cook up his final fix. Hoffman had been sober for 23 years before diving off the wagon. He made his choice.

Translation: Mentally balanced people with fulfilled lives often choose massive quantities of highly addictive and dangerous narcotics as their companions. After 23 years of sobriety, he clearly chose to have some fun by destroying his family, ruining his career, and ultimately killing himself. What a loser!