Skip to main content

An Open Letter to the GOP: A Call for Armistice in the War on Women

If the GOP doesn't quit right now they're gonna end up crashing on their libertarian bro’s couch on election night 2016.

Maybe Bill O’Reilly had a point: sometimes it’s best just to shut up. Certain members of the GOP can’t seem to help themselves, and much like the strategy the Grand Old Party has embraced, it shows no sign of abating.

I’m specifically talking about the War on Women. I know you don’t think there is one, but women do. Just ask ‘em. You won’t because right on time, like a garbage truck side-swiping your car parked on the curb, you’re already reaching for the “Liberals Are To Blame!” or the LATB Card. See, that’s the problem with delusion. You assume its factual reality, and delusion gets magnified when you think the rest of society agrees with you. We don’t. That 11 point ass-kicking Mittens took among women in 2012 should’ve been a wakeup call.

Consider this a plea, a piece of advice, and while it comes from an adversary, it speaks directly to reality. Stop the War on Women. See, I used to be a Republican. In fact I was a Conservative Christian Republican and I said all the same stupid shit you’re saying now. I’m not asking you to switch teams. (No, that’s not part of the gay agenda. There isn’t a gay agenda. You’ve got to stop thinking that way. That’s part of the problem.) I’m just trying to help you out. No . . . I really am.

Why? No one wants to see a one-sided contest. Mike Tyson knocking out Marvis Frazier in twenty seconds, while being interesting boxing history, isn’t much fun to watch. All that hype, all that build up, for a premature let down that ultimately leaves you unsatisfied . . . It’s a situation women are all too familiar with, let's put it that way. We want to see the next Presidential election go down to the wire. Both sides bringing out their A game, getting the American people excited to participate in the process of selecting our next leaders

I know it’s pie-in-the-sky thinking, but if you keep on like you’ve been, it’s not gonna happen. Otherwise, come election day, we’ll be standing next to women with tightened jaws, slightly clinched fists, looks of resolve and determination on their faces who’ve endured months, heck years of this crap. It’s the same look men get when they’ve done something monumentally asinine. Not “You left the toilet seat up again!”, or “You left your socks in my purse!” when you absconded with it to use as a gym bag, but the “You slept with my step-sister and my best friend after wrecking my car?!” asinine. That’s good news for Democrats, we only leave socks under the couch, but not so much for you all.

Guys, seriously, you need to stop bashing women. I know, you think it’s some liberal plot, an act of mass mesmerizing that has the women of America acting out and forgetting their place… And if you nodded your head in agreement that’s why we’re in this mess. That was just a test. You shouldn’t have agreed with that statement. Both parts are untrue and the second part is pretty sexist.

You’re seriously pissing off women though. You have been for quite some time. You’re the anxious, lonely guy who tries way too hard. You’re fully convinced that women don’t want nice guys and have said so, numerous times to women as if it’s indisputable truth. I know you think they agree with you, but they’re just being nice. They actually don’t. Trust me; I’ve heard them complain about it later.

If you don’t quit right now you’re gonna end up crashing on your libertarian bro’s couch on election night. He’s the one who rants about NSA surveillance on Facebook and in the comments section of a Glenn Greenwald article, just before he orders a Papa John’s pizza online with a credit card. You’ll have to deal with a hangover the next morning instead clearing out all those “2016! FUCK YEAH! NOBAMA!” boxes from your mom’s garage. Because even though says she loves you, and she does, she inwardly winces whenever you talk about birth control pills like they’re condoms. It’s the reason for all those “Republicans Don’t Know Science” memes.

Like the slut shamming. That’s gotta stop. I haven’t slut shammed in a long time. At some point, I found it ridiculous, not to mention hurtful, to lambast women for the same activity I enjoyed. And while it can be a solo-sport, doubles play is much more enjoyable. Women enjoy sex just as much as men and that’s okay. I know it’s kind of frightening, women with their attack vaginas hungering for sexual satisfaction but it’s really not that bad. They’re still people with hopes, dreams, fears, ideas, the whole gamut of human emotions, just with vaginas and breasts… That was another test. They’re human beings regardless of their genitalia.

I know you think I’m a god-cursed heathen, destined for torment in a fiery pit, or as I imagine it being the Greeter at the Wal-Mart Super Center in Elizabethton, TN when they’re running a special on NASCAR merchandise, but deep down you know I’m right. My opinion is definitely outside the norm for the GOP and their faithful, but it doesn’t make it any less valid. And I’m not the only one trying to warn you.

You should read Jessica Valenti’s op-ed in The Washington Post. I know she’s the Captain America of Feminism, but change her name to Jason Valorous, see if you agree with him… Again that’s another test. Her gender doesn’t matter, just her argument.

Look, I’m not saying you need to give up any of your policy positions, even though the record number of anti-abortion legislations and personhood amendments isn’t doing you any favors. Just stop all the condescending language. Start there. Tell Mike Huckabee no more “Uncle Sugar” lines. Back off the birth control insurance mandate. It makes you look out of touch, and hypocritical.(Whisper mode: Women already know about Viagra being covered by health insurance.) And seriously stop, right now, all the vaginal ultrasound stuff.

Plus, whatever you do, run, sprint, speak in tongues if you have to, but don’t under any circumstances, ever, ever, fucking ever, justify rape in any way, shape or form.

Just cut and paste this reply: “Rape is absolutely horrible, and even though I shouldn’t have to say this, I’m completely, totally, without exception against it in any way shape or form.” Don’t add a qualifier; don’t talk about God; it’s not a good time; just end with that.

Women have come up since the last century you so fondly romanticize. They’re earning more college degrees than men, they’re more active in their community, and they’re much more concerned about economic stability, especially closing that wage gap they’re dealing with. They got the vote and they’re not shy about using it.

I know your wife, or girlfriend said she was gonna vote for the Republican but when she’s in that booth, it’s just her. Being able to vote for the first woman President is a pretty big deal historically speaking. Especially after she’s endured all the ignorant, misogynistic-ass-shit that’s spewed forth from bloviating conservative talk radio hosts, primary candidates that never had a shot, and all your jackass friends who’ve alienated all of her friends you’ve tried to set them up with.

I mean, it really doesn’t matter to me. I’m a Democrat. I hope we sweep into power on a wave of estrogen and Amazonian, Sapphic fury. I’m all in favor of Nancy Pelosi being Speaker of the House again.

But I wouldn’t brush this off if I were you. Or as Aretha Franklin said: “You better think.” Otherwise you’ll find yourself, like Karl Rove did, in an epic Mortimer Duke meltdown on election night 2016.