We, the United States of America, are a proud country with a young, but rich, history.
We have encountered tragedy and enjoyed success.
We, as one of the largest countries in the world, have found a way to unite the disparate cultures that comprise our nation, and we in one voice enjoy proudly proclaiming, “WE - ARE - AMERICA!”
And if we want to wear some of the tackiest uniforms of all time at the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, then that’s what we’re going to do…
Legendary patriot Ralph Lauren designed these cardigans of freedom and unveiled them on the Today Show this morning to the utter shock and embarrassment of the rest of the world.
Some critics — who apparently have never read The Declaration of Independence — have wondered why we chose to go with an “ugly Christmas sweater” theme, but when you realize that we had to include stars, stripes, flags, “2014”, the Olympic rings, “USA”, and the occasional “RL” or “Polo” all in there, you can understand why this is exactly how our uniforms should look.
We are the land of bumper stickers and choreographed Christmas lights.
We understand the importance of being SEEN.
So when other countries wonder why we are wearing all-white sweatpants, we’ll direct them first to our fashion icon Miley Cyrus and then to our Fort Knox-worthy amount of gold medals before reminding them, “It’s our party, we can do what we want.”
And since almost any American could probably singlehandedly beat the Croatian hockey team but only a handful of our genetically-superior countrymen get to go, it’s your obligation as a red-blooded AMURICAN to purchase one of these uniform sets, which retail for $589.
Who says you can’t put a price on freedom?