Last night, Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told “all the kids watching at home” that “Santa just is white,” when discussing an article by Slate’s Aisha Harris that calls for Santa to not be depicted as a white man anymore.
“Just because it makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it should change,” she declared.
But what if Santa was never white to begin with?
I’ve thought about it, and there’s just no way Santa can be white. And I can prove it.
I’ll give you that Santa is fat, wears Uggs, enjoys the cold, and uses undocumented migrant labor to do most of his work, which all might suggest that he’s white, but let’s look at the facts.
SANTA IS FAST
Santa makes it around the entire world in one night. That takes some serious speed, and let’s face it, white people just aren’t fast. Here’s a video from the 100 meter dash event at the 2012 Olympics. Note how fast Usain Bolt is and how slow the zero white people that qualified for this race are.
ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IN SANTA GETS A PRESENT
The reason Santa has to make it around the whole world in one night is because anyone, as long as they’ve been nice and they believe in him, will receive a present from Santa. That means children in Iraq, Syria, Pakistan, and even North Korea are getting gifts.
White people only give to others when celebrities go on TV and tell them to, and even then it’s only because they feel guilty.
THE MILK AND COOKIES
Santa’s favorite snack is milk and cookies. 90% of white people are either lactose intolerant or allergic to gluten.
THE NAUGHTY AND NICE LIST
Santa has a very definitive line. You are either naughty, or you are nice. Fancy lawyers, sympathetic juries, and Stand Your Ground laws have no power when it comes to this list. That’s a huge disadvantage to white people.
SANTA WEARS THE SAME CLOTHES EVERY YEAR
White people love talking about what’s “in this season.” They get all giddy when discussing the newest fashion trends, whether it be “tartan” or “super cute hats.” It’s an excuse for them to spend their money on shit they don’t need that further amplifies their whiteness.
And while white people are embarrassed if someone has seen them wear the same pair of shoes more than once, Santa, on the other has found an outfit he likes and screw everyone else. He’s going to wear it until there’s a hole in the crotch and even then he’s going to rock them until Mrs. Clause tells him he has to go shopping.
SANTA IS STEALTH
Santa is able to get down the chimney, put the presents under the tree, fill the stockings, and enjoy a light snack without waking anyone up. This takes stealth and grace, neither of which are traits that white people pride themselves on. I mean, just watch them dance. A white Santa would be knocking shit over left and right.
SANTA IS THE BEST
White people are the worst.
I think we can all agree that there is just no way Santa is white.
Sorry Megyn Kelly, but in the words of Johnny from Angels with Dirty Faces…
Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.