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Congressional 'Alpha House' Emails Hacked

In collaboration with the NSA, The Daily Banter managed to hack Dick Durbin's email account to reveal the inner secrets of the real life 'Alpha House'.
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There is a new show called “Alpha House” that recently premiered via Amazon’s Prime Instant Video service which is a political comedy written by Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau starring John Goodman as a Republican senator who lives in a group home with three other GOP senators. It’s seen some success, but what many might not know is that it’s based on an actual political group home.

CNN did a story on the real “Alpha House”, where Democratic Senators Dick Durbin and Chuck Schumer and Rep. George Miller live, and with it’s peeling paint, broken randomized furniture, and rat problem, it’s been described jokingly as having a frat-house feel. 'Welcome to Omega House', quipped Durbin to the CNN reporter who did the story.

With their house receiving so much national attention, it’s unfortunate timing that excerpts from private emails Durbin sent out to his housemates and frequent guests of the house have been leaked leaked online, revealing a darker side to seemingly jovial “frat” vibe the house emanates...

"Alright chods, some of you could use some help on how to succeed at partying…

Let me just remind you that this is OMEGA HOUSE. We are Omega; the ending. We are THE destination for people looking to rage after they get through a shitty week of having to look at Boehner’s pumpkin face. We need to step up our rage game. And if this feels like a slap in the face, GOOD! Wake up and remember who we are.

WE RUN THIS F***’IN COUNTRY! Regardless of all the shit the GOPlease is trying to pull, the people of the United States chose us to lead this nation to greatness. How are we supposed to do that when you guys are letting our fiestas get as lame as Orrin Hatch’s 79th birthday?

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which is apparently the majority of this celebration delegation, we have been severely lacking in terms of night time events. I’ve been getting texts on texts about how our parties are AWKWARD AND BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself, “But oh em gee Dick, I’ve been having a blast at them,” then politely ask your press secretary to jam a pen in your eye so I don’t have to do it myself."

"I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. This must be what Bill Nelson has to deal with when he goes back home to Florida. Congress is only in session 1/3 of the year. The other 2/3’s of the calendar should be revolving around the next time you’ll be getting as weird as humanly possible. And I know some of you are saying, “Oh I was totes knocking back Fireball shots at this fundraising dinner,” and to you I say BIG F***ING DEAL. You know what I call an important fundraising dinner? When we all chip in $5 at 3am so that I can have Jumbo Slice forcibly stuffed down my throat.’"

In another group email blasted out to other Democrats and members of the media, Durbin had the following tips to keep the 'Omega House' spirit alive on the Hill:

"I hate to call out people individually, but at this point, public mockery is my last hope at motivating you sad sacks of democratically-elected shit:

Senator Warner, if you try to dunk on the Beirut table one more time, I’m going to knock out one of those big horse teeth of yours. I don’t know how they play in that purple state of yours, but beer pong is a gentleman’s game.

And Lizzy Warren. You’re riding a huge wave of momentum right now, but you’re not Queen Of Streaking. We have neighbors, and while I appreciate your willingness to show your Capitol Domes, let’s keep the indecency INSIDE the house.

Harry-Balls Reid, I know you took one LivingSocial mixology class, but your “nuclear cocktails” are terrible. I’d rather have the moonshine that Lindsey Graham peddles to the interns every summer.

And lastly, Chuck Todd, you are lucky we invite you to these things. The next time you pass out before midnight, I’m shaving off that ridiculous goatee of yours and gluing it to your head to help that weak combover you're trying to pull off.

Actually, along those same lines, can someone tell that pretty boy Peter Alexander to stop trying to make ‘carmel’ happen? It’s embarrassing.”

“Now make sure to open up your earballs because I have a couple of announcements:

Our Twisted Tea Party is in two weeks, which in honor of Teddy C, will be cruise themed, so wear your skimpiest bathing suits and expect to get leid.

Schumer has officially called dibs on Julianna Goldman, meaning no one is allowed to take her to The Boom Boom Room but him (and remember: what happens in The Boom Boom Room, STAYS in The Boom Boom Room). This is has been ratified as an official house law. Looks like we can get some things passed.

Lastly, Mitch McConnell has been dressing up a pizza delivery guy and trying to sneak into our ragers with a DiGiorno Pizza. If this happens again, let me know, and I'll fillibust his ass myself.

All praise be to Barack O'Breezy, the king partier himself.

Durbin out. ”