Did you get wasted last night? Were your eyes bigger than your liver? Is tequila stronger than you remembered? Fear not, my nauseous friend! Below are 7 ways to help handle a hangover (and appear to be a functioning member of society):
1.) Open Eyes
This is the first and scariest step of hangover recovery. You’re laying there, eyes closed, head pounding, heart racing, with a terrible taste in your mouth. You don’t know when you went to bed, or how, or with whom. Where are you? On the floor at the party you attended? At home? Jail? In a boldly intrepid move you open your eyes and realize you’re in your own bed. Phew! Okay, you don’t know how you got there but self-congratulations are still in order. After all, you didn’t wake up squished between a wall and a person thinking, “Do I know this wall? Do I know this person?” Good for you! If you can take a couple of Advil and pass back out, BY ALL MEANS DO. This day is one to be missed.
2.) Acknowledge and Assess Severity of Hangover
Perhaps you think that you just so happened to come down with a cold the day after your bachelor party, or that your allergies are ‘acting up’ out of the blue. No. Pollen is not responsible for your headache, and your stomach isn’t queasy from that gluten you had yesterday...IT’S CALLED A HANGOVER. You’d do well to acknowledge this right off the bat so as to not expect too much from yourself. You’re gonna have a miserable, waste-of-life day and you may as well admit it right now.
3.) Clean up, Dirtbag!
I hate to be the one to break this to you but you look like a crack whore at sunrise and you smell like the Marlboro Man on a Sunday morning. BRUSH YOUR TEETH--this seems like an obvious one but actually you’re so hungover that I have to remind you. Use some Visine on those miserably bloodshot, dehydrated eyes. Splash cold water on your swollen face and use some hemorrhoid cream. Yes...I said hemorrhoid cream. Use your index fingers to dab it under your eyes--it’s a vasoconstrictor that will shrink those puffy little pillows of sleeplessness. Note: Do not use the hemorrhoid cream you found in your dad’s medicine cabinet; it’s probably expired and it definitely wasn’t used for beauty purposes. Employ heavy concealer for the dark blue circles under your eyes, and put on some sunglasses to shield you from the blinding light of day even if it’s cloudy. Voila! You look like a million bucks (even though your feel like .25 cents.)
Thanks to last night’s activities you’ve got a bit of dain bramage and you’re currently residing in your reptilian brain--all you’re aware of is your need to eat, sleep, hump, and not die. Take advantage of this! A good romp between the sheets will get you sweating those toxins right out. This is a great moment for raw, wild, uninhibited sex without having to feel exposed after because those self-conscious brain cells are long gone. Boning, if done properly, will exhaust you...so make another attempt at sleeping it off. If you don’t have a lover there and your blow up doll is too far away to bother, go for a run. An intense workout of any kind will get you sweating and you’ll release some much-needed endorphins. Whether it’s sexercise or sit ups, a workout will make you forget your hungover misery for a brief moment...but rest assured, it will be back.
Drink a cup of hot water with a slice of lemon squeezed in it. This helps detox the liver and is a natural diuretic. We tend to retain water after a night of drinking so this will curb the whole puffy-panhandler look you’re currently rocking.
After a workout (or a “workout” *wink wink, nudge nudge*) take a long steam. It’s worth braving the daylight to go the gym and sweat out the 9 vodka gimlets you drank. If you can’t make it out of the house, take a hot bath. Just be careful as you get up because you are about to get very light-headed. Take care not to slip! Did you know that you are 5 times more likely to die on days when you’re hungover? Look it up, it’s a fact I bet.
5.) Hydrate, Dehydrate, Repeat
Drink a tall glass of water, drink a short cup of coffee, drink a tall glass of coconut water, puke. Repeat as necessary throughout the day. If your hangover is truly severe try Coke or Diet Coke as it’s easier on the stomach. Drink broth, eat saltines and take Alka Seltzer. Remember...you’ve been poisoned.
6.) Feed your Needs
When hungover, it’s hard to tell if you’re hungry or full, if you’re hot or cold or whether life is worth living at all. Try and tune into your needs and fill every one of them, even if it means going to In-n-Out for the first time in 6 years and requesting peanut butter on your burger.
It’s 4:00 and you’ve had enough of this shit. You’re ready to feel better already! Sorry to say but there’s only one way: The hair of the dog. A hair of the dog mind you, not the whole dog. If you do by some terrible accident ingest the whole dog, repeat steps 1-7.
Follow Kelly on Twitter @thekellymaclean