Particularly since I just moved to New York City from Los Angeles, Facebook can be a valuable tool for me to keep up with friends and family in faraway cities. But much of the time, it's boring as shit. I like to think I'm less boring than other people, of course, but those who hate the 9 million awesome pictures of my cats that I post would very likely disagree.
But as boring as Facebook can be – with the exception of George Takei, of course – it has spawned a new pastime for me that I truly enjoy: Hatebooking.
There are a couple of websites that use the term “Hatebook,” but they are both useless and boring. If you don't believe me, here's a member profile from Hatebook.org:
I am searching for
Quotes that suck:
Movies that bother:
Brands I hate:
group that dont write their own shit, and have it written
Music that suck:
Activities I hate:
Interests that suck:
TV shows that bother:
OC, the hill,
Food I hate:
korean, middle eastern
Books I hate:
Why I'm Better Than You!
Because I am. And the fact that you ask me to prove that I'm better means that your worse. Therefore making me better than you.
I don't even understand what the hell that site is supposed to be for, frankly. It seems like if you want to start an anonymous Internet club united in hatred for Taylor Swift or Arabs, it's the place to be. Hatebook.com is a place for people to anonymously post things they don't like, such as laments about vision problems, fake people and hating your parents. So, very similar to Facebook, aside from the anonymous part.
For me, “Hatebooking” refers to the act of taking screenshots on my iPhone of the updates and pictures posted by people that I don't actually like but who I stay Facebook friends with because I enjoy laughing at them so much. Since they are invariably frequent Facebook posters, they afford me ample opportunity to take screenshots of stuff they post and text them to friends who do the same. The ease of the iPhone screenshot has improved my life tremendously. Instead of laboriously typing or pasting a direct quote into an email or chat window, I can now take a screenshot of it in less than a second, and in another 20 seconds or so, text it to my friends so they can share in its repugnant glory. It's mockery made easy.
Immature? Sure, but like you don't spend 10 minutes a day doing something stupid.
Here are my most frequent and favorite Hatebook targets:
Mourn porners experience near ecstasy when they attach themselves to tragedy. And they hardly ever can resist trying. The more tenuous the attachment, the more annoying and likely the post is to become a Hatebook target. These people have an Olympic-gymnast ability to twist a horrific tragedy into being about them and relish redirecting any glimmer of spotlight from the tragedy onto themselves.
Mourn porn posts multiply exponentially on tragedy anniversaries, such as that of the 9/11 attacks, when you'll see stuff like this: "I remember walking right near the World Trade Center when I visited NYC in 1993, just eight short years before 9/11. I've been thinking about that a lot today..." Or "One of my dearest friends on here [who I have never met in real life] once lived two streets away from one of the victims of the Sandyhook shooting...my heart goes out to all the victims and their loved ones, blah blah...” The implication of these posts is of course, “It could've been ME!” Even when a number of variables realistically separate the mourn porner from the terrible event.
The liberal, white, Berkeley, Calif., couple that makes cutesy, mundane observations about everything
If you're familiar with Berkeley, home to “Cal,” or the University of California at Berkeley and countless smug and irritating people, you'll understand why their location makes them even funnier. These people are in their late 30s and like to alert Facebook when they're sipping wine in their backyard with their dog pretentiously named after a famous writer, when they're enjoying a leisurely rainy Sunday reading the paper or are mifffed by Merlot or grammatical errors.
They're also quick to adopt those Facebook update conventions that quickly become tiresome, such as, “That moment when you step outside and realize that the outfit you loved 15 minutes ago is not nearly warm enough for this crisp, fall-like Berkeley day,” publicly posting, “How much are we watching the Breaking Bad finale??” on the other half's page and “Preach” when they paste some quote they like about slut-shaming or the importance of organic produce. They also like to add self-deprecating hashtags when they complain about something mundane, such as, “#firstworldproblems or something more specific that's meant to be amusing, such as “#showsthisbadmakememissbuffyallthemore or #stillmelancholyaboutcorymonteith.
Grown people who constantly bemoan how much they "hate drama"
You know those drama-hating types who frequently find the need to post updates about fake, untrustworthy people unworthy of their friendship. They hate drama so much that they post 18 passive-aggressive whiny Facebook updates a day cryptically gossiping about unnamed people, such as “Wow..when exes talk shit about you to mutual friends and what they say is so patently false and it's so obvious it's going to get back to you it's kind of funny and pathetic.” (Note the use of “patently,” because the drama-hater also thinks he or she is smarter than most people.) The farther away you are from the age of 14, the more Hatebook-worthy these posts are.
And if you're in your 30s and still complaining about “the scene” where you live, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
The inspirational guru updaters
Know that if you post life-coachy suggestions to your Facebook friends such as, “Be present today. Help someone less fortunate than you. Take a moment to breathe and simply be,” someone, somewhere is probably Hatebooking you.
Whether smug or merely earnest, inspirational quotes are often annoying. If some intellectual pal posts some semi-obscure, interesting thing William Burroughs or Marshall McLuhan said at some point, that's fine with me. I'm referring to the insipid ones that no one needs to read. Such as, “Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.” You've never heard that one before, have you? Of course you have, if you've had a Facebook account for more than 10 minutes.
The parents of the world's most adorable and brilliant children
Let me preface this – so my breeder friends don't kill me – that I'm interested in the kids of my close friends. And my close friends do not post tedious updates about every crap their kid takes, but many other people think everything their kid does or says is so brilliant and adorable that they just have to share their pithy observations, such as, “Mommy, I think God made the sky blue because it's a happier color than purple.” Isn't that adorable?? And brilliant??
No, not really.
In closing, I'll add that no one but you finds your kid adorable when his or her face is smeared with baby food, snot and drool, for the love of almighty God.