Skip to main content

Quotes of the Day: How To Stop Pirates and How To Anger the Chinese

In which we reveal the best way to keep pirates from attacking ships off the coast of Africa and why the entire country of China in declaring war on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Screen Shot 2013-10-28 at 3.44.35 PM

Screen Shot 2013-10-28 at 3.35.22 PM

"Her songs were chosen by the security team because they thought the pirates would hate them most."

-- Merchant Navy Officer Rachel Owens on Britney Spears

The story is my favorite of the day: Apparently the music of Britney Spears is now being blasted by supertankers traveling along the coast of Africa in the hope of warding off attacking pirates.

I don't know, though -- hearing Britney Spears tends to make me uncontrollably angry. I wouldn't be surprised if the pirates eventually skip trying to take hostages and just see if they can sink the ships to make that awful noise stop. And the saddest part -- it'd kind of be understandable.

Still, imagine the possibilities for a 101st U.S. Pop Star Brigade to fight overseas threats: Chris Brown could scare terrorists away by assaulting them and Taylor Swift can date them, then write shitty songs about how lousy they were by breaking up with her.

Screen Shot 2013-10-28 at 3.36.10 PM

"Kill everyone in China."

-- Comment made on Jimmy Kimmel Live recently for which ABC is now apologizing

The line came during a comedy bit two weeks ago called "Kids Table," in which a panel of kids offered its unfiltered opinions on various subjects. One kid, a boy with a Southern accent and an unfortunate Little Anakin bowl-cut, was asked what we should do to pay back the money we owe China. The above was his response. It's managed to seriously piss off at least 60-thousand Chinese-Americans who, over the past couple of weeks, have descended upon America's new favorite place for voicing outrage over every kind of frivolous and inane subject imaginable: the White House petition website.

The petition they created demands that the Obama administration launch an investigation of the Kimmel show for engaging in "the same rhetoric used in Nazi Germany against Jewish people." At least one Chinese newspaper was also calling for protests outside the offices of ABC in San Francisco.

ABC has responded by saying that it would never intentionally offend an entire nationality -- so the sketch will be scrubbed from the internet and it'll never air again.

Man, you could never get away with Wonder Showzen today.