A one act gchat play by Donny Potter, a Washington D.C. based satirist, musician, misanthrope and non-profit employee.
Barry: Hey bro, how fucking awesome was last night?!?!
Sent at 2:06 PM on Saturday
me: ha yeah, last night was pretty crazy
Barry: dude, I can’t even believe how much infrastructure we destroyed, not to mention all those children we killed and orphaned. We destabilized the shit out of that whole region! Iraq was a pretty dope spot.
Sent at 2:11 PM on Saturday
me: yeah, it was alright
Sent at 2:09 PM on Saturday
Barry: Well, don’t even worry about it man, tonight is gonna be even crazier! There’s this new spot I just heard about called Syria. They’ve got like three levels, a roof deck, beer pong, and check it out… there’s gonna be tons of chemical weapons up in that bitch!!!
me: heh, you said that about Iraq…
Barry: Nah man, this is different, this time I’m 100% positive that Syria is gonna be crawling with beautiful deadly weaponized chemicals. And anyway, that wasn’t even me who said that about Iraq, it was Colin.
Sent at 2:14 PM on Saturday
Sent at 2:16 PM on Saturday
Barry: So what time do you want to meet up to pregame?
Sent at 2:18 PM on Saturday
me: I don’t know man, I’m pretty tired. I think I might just sit it out tonight.
Barry: WTF dude?! Come on man, don’t be a little bitch. I’m telling you, Syria is going to be way better than Iraq. What part of ‘CHEMICAL WEAPONS’ don’t you understand?!
Sent at 2:22 PM on Saturday
me: yeah, I know man. I do want to go. I’m just pretty tired from last night. I really did a lot of damage to my international credibility and I feel like I should chill out and lay low tonight.
Sent at 2:24 PM on Saturday
Barry: Dude, come on. We don’t even have to stay out that late. Just a couple of cruise missiles and then we can leave
Sent at 2:26 PM on Saturday
me: : ha, yeah right. I just know that after a couple cruise missiles we’re gonna want to start aerial bombing and then before you know it we’ll be getting our boots on the ground. I just need to relax tonight man. Not to mention the fact that I don’t even WANT to fucking know how much money I spent in Iraq last night!
Barry: ha, come on man, that’s what credit cards are for.
Sent at 2:28 PM on Saturday
me: eh, who’s gonna be there anyway? Are Britain and France coming?
Barry: Nah, fuck those dudes. They’re being little bitches. But I guess you’re gonna bitch out too huh?
Sent at 2:30 PM on Saturday
me: ha yeah, sorry man. Maybe we can go to Iran next weekend or something.
Sent at 2:35 PM on Saturday
Barry: Ok, word. I guess I’ll just hit up Congress and see if he wants to go. He can be annoying, but whatever. At least he’s probably not going to be a little bitch about going to war on a Saturday night.
Sent at 2:37 PM on Saturday
me: dude, I’m sorry. I’m just tired
Sent at 2:40 PM on Saturday
me: u mad?
Sent at 2:42 PM on Saturday
Barry: haha, nah. It’s cool. I’ll hit you up next weekend about Iran. Maybe we can drone Yemen for happy hour one day this week.
Sent at 2:43 PM on Saturday
me: ok, sounds good. Have fun dude, sorry I can’t make it out.
Barry: nah, it’s cool. Have fun shaving your vagina tonight.
me: ha, yeah. And you have fun myopically jumping into a conflict that you don’t really understand and is none of your business in order to save your ass politically while feeding your ravenous military industrial complex masters with little thought to the local human costs and dire diplomatic consequences of blind violent action to support disparate rebel forces with questionable agendas, possibly making this no-win, hopeless, depressing situation even worse.
Barry: thanks, I will!
me: i know you will
Sent at 2:45 PM on Saturday