Here's what you should be reading on this Friday morning instead of sitting at your desk thinking of ways to duck out early without the boss seeing you.
1. Strike Out
According to John Kerry the U.S. will soon be wrapping up its drone strikes inside Pakistan. Whatever will I do with all the free time I'll have that I currently spend trying to avoid annoying lectures from the utopian left on the evils of drones and the criminality of the Obama administration?
2. Make It Stop
In our regular "What Stupid Fucking Thing Did Salon Say Now?" segment comes sincerely one of the dumbest pieces the internet's home for liberal outrage porn has ever posted. If you can make it past this quote without doubling over with laughter: "Do not be fooled by the seeming simplicity: twerking is hard, and moving beyond the basics to make it interesting is a serious talent," you're a better person than I.
In case you haven't heard, there's this network called MSNBC that generally leans left and has a couple of truly excellent shows buffered by a lot of crap. I say this because judging by the ratings you have no idea that MSNBC actually exists. The once-and-apparently-future red-headed stepchild of the NBC News family had another really terrible month in July, and now Phil Griffin is responding to the lousy news. Get it, lousy news? I got loads of 'em.
4. "O" No
And with that, our nation breathes a collective sigh of relief and returns to Defcon 5. There are some things only Gayle King should see.
5. Coming Back Haunted
Nine Inch Nails releases their new album, Hesitation Marks, on September 3rd. But last weekend they played the Fuji Festival in Japan and the entire live set is available on YouTube.
It. Is. Awesome.
6. Breaking Up Is Hard
Finally, while there are certain SNL cast-members who've abused the privilege when it comes to cracking up during sketches, this supercut of some of the best break-ups that have happened on the show will honestly make you laugh out loud.
Happy Friday, kids.