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Celebrities Are Important Because…

In this week's 'Celebrities Are Important Because...' column, we imagine ourself as Kim Kardashian and write about how difficult it is being, like, pregnant, getting followed by the paparazzi, and having a family that doesn't appreciate how famous they are.

A Day in the life of Kim Kardashian as seen by Kessica Kurst

Dear Kdiary,

Let me tell you, today has been a crazy day. If it wasn’t for my two assistants and my sisters (you know, Kourtney and Khloe – isn’t it hilarious we all have K names? My mom (Kris) was so clever like that. That’s how I knew it would work with Kanye. It was written in the kstars) I don’t know how I would have made it through.

I started off by waking up. That was hard. I’m like pregnant now and so it makes me want to just lie in bed all day –but then I think, how will I be photographed if I’m in my own house just lying around? See, I’m not so silly after all.

So, I thought, what can guarantee me a good photo opportunity? I had two options. Firstly, I can wear something ridiculous. That’s a given now. Or me going to the gym seems to really get some good photos.

That reminds me, I can’t wait to do my People magazine shoot with the baby (Is North such a bad name? North West-Kardashian. Kind of has a ring to it right?) and I’ll talk about how hard it was being pregnant – what with the cravings and all. And then, only a few short weeks later after being in the gym for nine hours a day and I’ve starved myself and drunk cayenne pepper mixed with monkey urine and I’ve miraculously lost all my baby weight, I’ll have my follow-up photo shoot where I can admit to it being really tough and depending on how desperate I am, maybe “shockingly reveal” to shedding a few tears because I’m tired and emotional.

So Kdiary, in a moment of sheer genius I came up with this: I walked Kanye in to a street sign! Hilare! It was so perfect because the sign even said ‘Caution’ on it. I know that will run and run for a while. Plus he totally blamed the paparazzi and had no idea it was me! I’m so clever.

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What’s really handy is that wherever I seem to go, paparazzi follow me! I don’t know how they know where I am when all I’ve done is text them my exact location and what time I’ll be leaving or arriving. It’s so weird! If they get too annoying I like to put something on Ktwitter to make sure my kfans know I’m real. There’s 17 million people waiting to know if I’m ok and everything.

Sometimes I totally wish for the quiet life. It’s like I look at Kanye and he has it so right. He’s a fashion designer. And he has a talent for talking over music, which he said he’ll teach me. It’ll be called Krapping! Right? So good! I look at my life and think, what good is a perfume if you can’t buy it in every country in the world? I need something new.

Can I be honest Kdiary? I feel pretty resentful towards my family. If it wasn’t for my home video and my mum knowing Ryan Seacrest and people who have nothing better to do watching my life on television, none of them would be famous and we wouldn’t be about to do series 103 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. That’s the hard, honest truth. Do you think Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, or Khloe and Lamar or Kim and Kourtney Take New York or Watch Kim be Pregnant with her Family would have been at all successful without moi? (That’s French for me, BTW. Kanye is like totally expanding my brain).

I want my own show with just me and my everyday Krazy life! How fun would that be? The only trouble is that Kanye likes his privacy when he has nothing to sell. It’s so annoying. Hasn’t he ever heard the philosophical conundrum: does a tree still make a sound when it falls and no one is there to film it? Because honestly, that’s kind of how I feel when I don’t see a recording device. Like, maybe I don’t exist.

On that note, I better go because I’ve just texted Pap 43 to tell him that I’m off to the gym tomorrow at 6am. It’s totally tiring being photographed constantly and growing a human being at the same time.

Katch you tomorrow,

Kim xxx