By Jessica Furst
This week’s 'Celebrities Are Important Because...' column looks at actress and mom Jessica Alba. You may have seen her in some comic book movie, some horror movie and some movie where she wears a bikini, but she also has a lot of tips on how to spend a lot of money on things you don’t really need.
She also has a website where you can buy non-toxic diapers, non-toxic candles and non-toxic anything (especially useful and a real bargain: non-toxic toxic). Jessica and her colleagues provide fascinating details about how everything is trying to poison you and how you must eat things that are organic and grown by magic fairies. Take for example, asparagus. Alba's friend and nutritionist Nicole Meadows wants us to know the following about the wondrous vegetable:
“Did you know there are 20 different types of edible asparagus? The most common type is what you see at the grocery store or the farmer’s market—green asparagus. It grows in flatbeds and receives sunlight, which is how it gets its green color."
Feel better knowing this vital information?
Jessica is an author (The Honest Life) and provides helpful hints to make your home healthier, such as taking your shoes off before you come in the house and opening your windows. Apparently “it’s crazy what a difference that makes.”
Even more helpfully she has planned out your day for you, just in case you don’t know how to live. I have added in my own comments in brackets where the actress clearly has forgotten what it’s like to be a normal human being.
7 a.m.: Feed your tot the homemade baby food you made over the weekend [When did I have a baby, plus why am I up at 7am?] by pureeing a pound of peeled veggies with chicken stock, a clove of garlic [ward off toxic vampires], fresh ginger and sea salt. Serve yourself a green smoothie by blending cucumber, kale [raw? In a juice? Is she mad?], celery, apples, ginger and lemon juice. [Do I then drink it? She only says to serve it to myself. She needs to be much more specific. And when do I have the eggs and bacon? Surely I have more for breakfast than a drink?]
8 a.m.: Put your best face forward by whipping up a quick coffee scrub [Define quick. At this time of the morning I would need to use the coffee to drink not to rub on my face,] stirring a tablespoon of finely ground java with a 1/2 cup of full-fat Greek yogurt, and a dash of lemon juice if your skin is oily, or coconut oil for dry skin [Where is the reminder to not drink this? It’s still 8am and I feel like I’ve already done way too much].
9 a.m.: Dressing is a snap since your closet is so organized [When did I organize my closet? There was no mention of this earlier in the day.]– labels are a must! [Labels? Bloody hell.] And with all your wardrobe staples (a fitted blazer, the perfect jeans and playful scarves) [When did a scarf become playful or otherwise? A scarf is a scarf, or have I missed a previous memo?], there’s always something to wear [That’s just a lie. What happens if I haven’t done any laundry – then there’s nothing].
Noon: You’re planning a dinner party tonight, [What? When did she organize this for me? I don’t want to have a dinner party. And what have I been doing for three hours other than getting dressed?] so hit your local greenmarket or specialty store during lunch for fresh organic ingredients. [Why does this take 5 hours? What am I doing for this long in a supermarket and how many friends has she invited over?]
5 p.m.: Get back to your pre-pregnancy weight [Did she just call me fat?] by working out with a friend [Is this one of my dinner party friends, or another friend who I like working out with and didn’t invite to said dinner party? That’s awkward] or chasing your three-year-old around [sounds boring]. A chiropractor and prenatal yoga teacher are godsends for mommies-to-be [so is chocolate and chips and daytime television].
6 p.m. Prep the dinner party while readying your kids for bed [Which do I do? Surely I can’t be putting the children in pajamas and reading them stories whilst prepping food? And what am I prepping? She really is bad at giving directions]. Roast two chickens [Two chickens? What am I? The Colonel? My guests, however many of them there are, can eat one chicken that has been injected with antibiotics, never seen the light of day and lived approximately eight weeks before being unceremoniously slaughtered in a horrible and inhumane way] in the oven while the little ones take their bath [I have no children, but I thought you couldn’t leave them alone in the bath, or do I leave the chickens unattended? I’m confused and tired].
7 p.m. Put the kids to bed [Finally.] setting an early bedtime makes time for you and your hubby later in the evening [I’m married? When did this happen? Between getting dressed and going to the supermarket? I feel like I’m in the twilight zone].
8 p.m.: Party time! [Let’s face it, the last thing anyone wants after a day I’ve had is party time. In reality I would have drunk all the non-toxic, no-fun wine and fallen asleep with my head in the non-toxic carrots]. Serve the roasts with premade nuts, cheese and olives [are these toxic or non-toxic?], and have the guests bring the wine and dessert [finally some good news]. [More to the point, now what…..?]
I have made my own recipe for all of us to want to follow in Jessica’s prestigious footsteps. I warn you, it’s expensive.
Take one agent, combine with one manager, an accountant, a business manager and three attorneys until creamed.
In a separate saucepan allow four assistants, three nannies, a driver and a cook to gently simmer for 30 minutes.
Combine all mixtures in a roasting pan and cook for three years.
You should find that you have made yourself a superstar earning millions of dollars living in a huge mansion in Los Angeles never wanting for anything else again.