Dear Linkedin: Please F**k Off

Are Linkedin email notifications sending you over the edge? Here's an angry letter to the ever expanding professional network that will make you feel better.

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Dear Linkedin,

Every morning I wake up, and you are there. Whether it is the first email in my inbox, or an ad you've placed on some of my favorite sites, I always know I'll be reminded that someone from Linkedin wants something from me. The funny thing is, I distinctly recall clicking 'unsubscribe' from your email list in an effort to stop your incessant messaging. After doing so, your emails actually increased.

I don't care whether someone I know has endorsed me for one of the skills on my resume. I don't care whether some dude who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who met me at an event wants to join their 'Network on Linkedin'. And I really don't care whether their invitation is 'waiting for my response'.

And please, stop offering to go through my email contact lists. I said no literally dozens of times, yet I get the distinct feeling you did it anyway. I have apparently sent invites to dozens of people I haven't seen in years, some of which have caused slight embarrassment (I'm pretty sure some of exes aren't interested in pursuing any sort of relationship, professional or otherwise...).

I don't want to buy any Linkedin ads, even if you give me $50 credit free of charge. I simply couldn't take all the follow up emails I know you'd send asking me to buy more and telling me how vital they were to my professional career.

I didn't fall for that trick you did when you emailed all your users telling them they had one of 'The Top 1% most viewed Linkedin profiles  for 2012', and I'm not falling for your 'Linkedin Premium' free month deal, whatever that is. I know what it will entail: MORE FUCKING EMAILS.

Thanks for listening, and please, PLEASE stop emailing me.

Kind regards,

Ben Cohen