(DENVER) -- A senior administration official has confirmed that within the $800 billion stimulus package signed into law today by President Obama, there is a secret provision forcing Americans to enter into gay Muslim marriages.
The precise wording of the legislation is still not known as it is spelled out backwards in pig latin and invisible ink (like the mandatory health care provision). But a listener of Rush Limbaugh detailed the process by which a middle class white male would be forcibly removed from his home - particularly in the south - then frog marched "up the road aways" and be forced at gunpoint to marry the nearest male deemed compatible by the secret government computers "what is run by Google."
Robert Gibbs, White House press secretary, flatly denied the allegation. But according to a post on FreeRepublic.com he clearly sent out a hidden message by shifting his eyebrows. "Gay marriage... by Allah... it is done."
For months now rumors have circulated that the President - who may actually be a Kenyan double agent named Barry "Hoops" Sotero - planned to engage in serious social engineering, but as our source on Capitol Hill (one "E. Cantor") explained to us "He's doing it in secret, in ways only conservatives seem to be able to decipher. Please, get the truth out!"