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When Iran Invaded America

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By Ben Cohen

Watching the endless hours of debate about Iraq in the Mainstream Media, one could be forgiven for thinking that Iraqis are responsible for the dreadful mess they are in. According to the MSM, their unwillingness to embrace democracy has lead to tribal rivalry, ethnic warfare, and the collapse of civil society. While America may be guilty of poor planning, Arab stupidity and incompetence is ultimately to blame, and we should just accept that some countries are just not able to cope with democracy American-style.

The following assumptions about the invasion and occupation of Iraq are routinely made by media pundits and politicians: That it may have been a "mistake," but was still "entirely honorable." That Iraq is ultimately responsible the mess created, and needs to "step up to the plate." That Iran is "interfering" with America's liberation, and has no right to be in Iraq (whereas the U.S does), and that the invasion of Iraq had 'nothing to do with controlling their oil.'

For Iraqis who have watched their country burned to the ground through
the sheer incompetence of American and British imperialism, such
discussion must be infuriating beyond belief.

How would we feel if the situation were reversed? What if Iran had
invaded America, and we were forced to sit through hours of similar
discussion from Iranian pundits discussing the "tactical" errors made
in destroying the United States?

Let's imagine an alternate universe...

When Iran Invaded America

In 2013, the United States economy collapsed after John McCain was
elected to a second term as President. Europe and China stopped
investing given McCain's insistence on going to war with every country
in the Middle East, and Saudi Arabia stopped selling oil to American
consumers after the McCain administration blew up Riyadh.

"We took out Riyadh to prevent them interfering in Iraq," said McCain
in June of 2012. "Our intelligence agencies failed to warn us that the
entire Middle East would rise up against us."

In 2015, a nuclear Iran became the dominant power in the region by
selling Americans oil at $733 a barrel. Ahmadinejad quickly moved to
take control of Iraq, moving in to Israel and Saudi Arabia in 2016. In
response, the then 80 year-old McCain declared himself supreme leader
of the United States. The Democrats, Wal-Mart and Halliburton quickly
merged with the Republican Party and the United States became a one
party state.

"The Iranian people will not stand to see the suffering of Americans
under this shriveled old man," Ahmadinejad declared at the United

"We must take action!"

In 2017, Iran, along with Guatemala, Bhutan and Poland invaded the
United States winning a decisive victory within a matter of weeks. John
McCain was eventually found hiding in his wife's private jet off the
Florida Keys, and hauled in front of the World Court where he was found
guilty of war crimes and executed.

By 2020 however, the occupation of America was far from rosy....

Tacoma, Washington March, 2020

After the explosions finished, Mrs. Hampton turned on the TV and sat down to watch the evening news.

"Special to TV Irania - exclusive interview with American
radical Thomas Friedman. Does Friedman really believe the Iranian
government is guilty of criminal acts in America? Should Iran cut and
run from America? Mr Friedman certainly thinks so. More after the
commercial break...."

"Honey, come and watch the evening news, that former New York Times guy
is sticking it to that horrible woman, Assieh Muhammed!" shouted Mrs.

"Hold on sweetie," came a voice from up stairs. "James has some shrapnel in his leg. I'm just taking it out."

"Tell him not to play outside while the tanks are there!" yelled Mrs.
Hampton. "You know how those young soldiers like to blow things up!"

AM: This is Assieh Muhhamed reporting for TV Irania, and we
are here with American radical, Thomas Friedman. We will be discussing
his outspoken belief that Iran is not completely honorable in its
occupation of America, and should have a time table to withdraw leaving
America to govern itself!

TF: Let me just correct you there - I have never said Iran
was not completely honorable in liberating America. I have only stated
that the Iranian army sometimes uses excessive force against unarmed

AM: Mr Friedman, let me correct you. You have stated, and I
quote from an interview in the radical Guardian newspaper - 'The
Iranian army is guilty of crimes against America, the invasion and
destruction of Los Angeles in 2019, the use of hospitals as military
bases and the use of chemical weapons against civilians.' Do you deny
saying this?

TF: Uh...that was taken out of context. I was talking about excessive
use of force, and I was simply expressing that idea during the
interview, using some how shall we say, expressive language....I also
wasn't quoted accurately....

AM: Mr Friedman, are you suggesting that Iran should not have freed America from the tyranny of the McCain regime?

TF: Well, I was against the invasion before I was for it, but I do see
in hindsight that I could have been wrong. I just think the occupation,
sorry, the liberation, has sometimes been a little heavy handed....

AM: Are you not encouraging terrorist acts against the Iran by these
outrageous insinuations? Why do you insist on fanning the flames of

TF: I'm not fanning the flames of extremism, I'm just saying
that quite a few Americans have lost their lives. I know it is for a
good cause, but I just want to bring attention to it a little...

AM: You continue in your interview with the radical Guardian that 'Over
3 million Americans have died after the Iranian invasion, with many
more unaccounted for after Iran blew up four of the major
pharmaceutical companies that provided medication to millions of
children'. Are you really suggesting that Iran is a criminal country?
Where do you get this outrageous figure of 3 million?

TF: I did think the bombing of the pharmaceutical companies was a bit harsh....

AM: We have already accounted for that. The government believed they
were manufacturing weapons. It was a mistake, so it isn't a crime.

TF: I see that now. But there have been some reports that 3 million have died as a result of the liberation.

AM: Yes, but only from extremist organizations like the United Nations,
and Human Rights Watch. Theses are not reputable, so are not valid.

TF: Okay, but there have been quite a few deaths....

AM: And you don't even mention the 8000 Iranian soldiers that gave their lives for American freedom.

TF: I suppose I didn't - I should have mentioned that. You are right. Look, I just want us all to get along.

AM: Do you not think the Iranian government has been fair to you? After all, you are still alive!

TF: Well, they did kill all my family and lock me in a cupboard for three years....

AM: Yes, but you must recognize there is a price for true freedom. I'll give you the last word Mr. Friedman.

TF: I'd just like to thank you for having me on, and remind everyone of
my new book: "Outsourcing Theocracy - How Radical Islam Built a Global
Franchise". You can buy it in stores now.

AM: Thank you, Mr. Friedman. Next on TV Irania, a round table
discussion with commentators Ali Alavi, Sadegh Hedayat, and former
president and national hero Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Are Canadians funding
terrorism inside the United States? Should Iran use military force
against Canada? Do some Iranians want to cut and run? Stay tuned for
more debate from the best political team in television.....

'Ugh!' thought Mrs. Hamption. 'What trash! I wish we could go back to
the days of Fox News. At least that was fair and balanced.'